Hope for the Hopeless

"When the world says 'Give up', hope whispers 'Try it one more time'. "~ Unknown

Dearest Lord,

I know that You know what is best for us. I know that You have plans for me that I could never even dream of; I put my faith in that. I keep telling myself that if You don't see it fit for us to have another child, that I will understand. But honestly, I don't think I can accept it easily. The one thing I want in my life is to be a good mother, to give my precious Brooke siblings, and to share all of this overflowing love that fills my heart and soul.

I am beyond grateful and tremendously blessed to be given the opportunity to be Brooke's Mommy. Lord, she is my world - my miracle baby. I cannot picture my life without her in it. THANK YOU most loving Heavenly Father.

Please heal my broken heart - I know that by enduring trials, we gain more appreciation for the little things we take for granted. It allows our hope and faith to grow and flourish. It makes us stronger and more humble people. This lesson will not go unlearned. This I promise.

In Jesus' name -

Amen.

We went back to the doctor yesterday to have my midcycle ultrasound. This time I was beyond hopeful - I almost knew that I was going to get good news this time. I smiled and told him that I had taken an OPK (ovulation predictor kit/test) and that it was positive that morning - the 1st one I've had seen we've been ttc. He smiled and told me that was probably a good sign. The only time I doubted my quick judgement was the moment that he put the monitor in and made the all too familiar disappointed faces. Back and forth - right to left. Again, my eggs are polycystic. The maximum dose of Clomid did nothing. The added Estradiol was just taken in vain. The only two large eggs he found were on my left ovary and they were only measuring 12.4 mm. They have to be 18-24 to be viable. He gave me three options -

Come back Thursday to see if for some reason they grew any (which he doubted)

Have the surgery but it's not a guarantee.

or

Go to a specialist and be put on medication that is more aggressive with life threatening side effects.

Right now, I'm going to the appointment Thursday. I may be wasting $20.00 for a co-pay but atleast it gives me 2 more days to figure out what I'm going to do in the meantime if I don't have any good news. I am going to remain hopeful and put my faith in the Lord. It's a big pill to swallow - but I won't be resentful.

Being in a room with over 20 very pregnant women was torture. Especially since I knew two of them. It's bittersweet - you're happy for them beyond a doubt but you also hurt more than they can realize unless they've been through it themselves. This journey - this infertility journey - is the most lonely, heart aching experience . No one understands - no one truly cares (I've learned) unless they have gone through it personally. They may give you the "Oh that's too bad. I'm sorry" 's , but that's the extent of it. Don't get me wrong, I do not want pity. Ask Jr --- I am completely against pity donations. I just want a sympathetic shoulder to lean on and cry with when needed.

In closing - I want to share a few quotes about hope that inspire me:

"Once you choose hope, anything is possible." ~ Christopher Reeves

"You've got to have hope. Without hope life is meaningless. Without hope life is meaning less and less." ~ Unknown

"Hope is faith holding out its hand in the dark." ~ George Iles

"When you get to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on!" ~Unknown

"When you feel like giving up, remember why you held on for so long in the first place." ~ Unknown

"Dont' be discouraged. It's often the last key in the bunch that opens the lock." ~ Unknown