Holiday Schomorgesborg

"Years end is neither an end nor a beginning, but a going on , with all the wisdom that experience can instill in us." ~ Hal Borland

Wow! I can't believe that Christmas has come & gone! It barely feels like it stopped through long enough for a short visit and then was out before I could open my eyes. We certainly had a wonderful one despite my poor Jr being sick Christmas day. Brooke was spoiled beyond reasoning but I'm grateful that she does understand the true meaning behind this wonderful holiday event - she woke up that morning saying "Happy Birthday Jesus." She threw on her purple dress up heels and clunked her way through the hallway with Mommy & Daddy in tow - when she got to the living room, her jaw dropped and she stood in disbelief at what she saw lying beneath the tree. The scene was priceless and I will always remember the look of utter shock and excitement on my baby girl's face in that moment of innocence. Brooke & I spent the day with my grandparents, mom, sister & her family and Bubba and his family as well. Jr, poor guy, spent it at home resting. I really felt like a piece of me was missing - corney I know but I couldn't really enjoy myself completely over there without him. It was kind of noticable and my mother commented on the miserable look on my face. I'm happy to say he is feeling much better now and I managed not to get it! Must be the prenatal vitamins and other herbal supplements I'm on :)



Here are some pics from our Christmas day & a Christmas party at my grandparents house:

Along with Christmas flying by so fast - another year has managed to come & go even more quickly. I have a handful of things that I am anticipating in 2010. I decided to make a list - one of my favorite things to do by the way :)

- Strengthening my relationship with God

- Brooke starting Pre-K. Bittersweet.

- Celebrating being with Jr for 10 years

- Hopefully (fingers crossed) Baby Coleman #2

- New friendships blossoming

- Starting my book - it's been four months since Jr bought me my laptop. Need to put it to use.

- March of Dimes walk in April

- Dear John movie in February

- Reading new books

- Florida!

- Brooke's formal dance recital in June

- All the little unknown joys that will surprise me when I least expect it.

I am undecided whether or not I will make any resolutions this year. I always manage to disappoint myself within a couple of months anyways. A New Years resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other. Haha If I did - I'm NOT adding weightloss on it AGAIN for the 100th time. It would be more like building my relationship with Jr, blogging more, praying more, finding my creative niche, worry less, love more, and teach Brooke lessons that will enlighten her life.

With that being said - I'm off to read The Last Song and cuddle in bed with Brooke. G'night all!

HOLY JELLY!!!

Ok - I'll go ahead and be the 1st one to admit that I'm weird :) My husband would probably say beyond it, but whose counting ;)

I wish I would have waited until today - I could of saved probably $100 in HPT's but because I'm a POAS addict like you wouldn't believe, I had no choice ;) Quick refresher - in yesterday's blog I wrote how I didn't know what I was going to do because I'm not like most women, I don't have natural cycles that come monthly on my own and the dr didn't want to continue treatment, blah blah blah. Ok - onto my excitement - I woke up this morning, was about to test again and BAM! AF came on its own this morning!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! There is hope! I am in shock. I never start on my own - maybe once a year and never around the time I'm on Clomid. Wow. Hence the weird part - I asked Jr how many ladies he knew that would be happy & excited that their periods started and he said, "Not many, Christen." Poor guy - he definitely is on a roller coaster when it comes to dealing with my emotions.

So I wanted to update you very sweet & supportive ladies. I'm hopefully NOT out of the running quite yet. We do have this month to try again! Thank you LORD!!! And thank you all for your prayers, they truly mean alot to me.

"Keep your dreams alive. Understand to achieve anything requires faith and belief in yourself, vision, hard work, determination, and dedication. Remember all things are possible for those who believe." ~Gail Devers

And the results are in ...

Today I am 14 dpo (days past ovulation) and took my 'official' pregnancy test.

Devasted & heartbroken? Yes - more than I thought I would be. My next plans? Not sure yet - I'm not like most women - I can't just hope it happens next month. I'm a 3 strikes out, kind of deal. No more tries with Clomid - no money for surgery and no time or money to invest in more aggressive medicines. I guess after the holidays, I'm going to start hardcore dieting and try to get my cycle back naturally.

I'm leaving this one in God's hands. I'm not going to question Him or resent His decision - I'm going to continue to praise Him for the blessings I already have in my life and try my hardest to move forward and be strong.

There is one good thing that came out of this round and it was developing a remarkable friendship with an amazing girl who was in the same boat as me. I didn't have to go through the two week wait alone ---- we had each other. I thank God for her friendship and for bringing her in my life when I needed someone during this lonely journey. Congrats on your BFP sweetie!

"Trust in the Lord with all thine heart and lean not to thine own understanding. In all thy ways, acknowledge Him and He shall direct thy paths." Proverbs 3:5 (my favorite verse)

Here Comes the Bride ...

"Love at first sight is easy to understand; it's when two people have been looking at each other for a lifetime that it becomes a miracle."








Ok, so technically eight years is not a lifetime but it is pretty close ;o) Today Jr & I celebrated our eighth wedding anniversary. Of course we both had to work and of course the weather is horrible so I decided to make him his favorite resteraunt dish for supper - Stuffed Chicken Marsala. It was a success! I wish I would of taken pictures of it, I was so proud! When I thought about it, he was shoveling the last few bites into his mouth. Heehee.



I am one blessed wife! Despite our downs, we've had many many more ups and that is what truly matters. How unordinary & unchallenging would it be though to live each day the same as the last? Without struggles we can't appreciate the good things in life.



Jr comes from a family where his mother & father (whom I really adore) have been married for over 30 years - no divorce. I come from a family where, uhmmmm it is actually quite the opposite. My mother has been married & divorced four times and my father - too many times to honestly count ... HONESTLY. Divorce terrifies me. I think that's why during our first year of marriage, I was stubborn beyound a doubt - it didn't matter how many times we fussed or argued or what problems came our way - I was determined not to be another statistic. I was already putting myself out there for that possibility because I was only 18 (he was 21) when we were married.



I wouldn't have it any other way, though. Jr is truly my soulmate. He loves me and always wants the best for me. There were several friends who didn't understand it and tried to make me believe that he was controlling. That wasn't so - he just didn't want to see me where those people were during the bad times of their lives. He knew my worth and he knew I could succeed. He's always encouraged me and he has ALWAYS been there for me throughout any struggle I've come across. He's listen to me cry, wiped away my tears, held my hand when I was scared, shared my laughter - he's who God chose for me. I firmly believe that.



Being that we were both young - I was newly graduated from school, working part time in a grocery store and he was fairly new at his job - we didn't have a whole lot of money (the song 'We aint' gotta alot of money' comes to mind). We got married in the courthouse, nothing fancy. Of course I would go back and do it all over again and would of least had a small wedding, but like my mother in law says, "A beautiful wedding doesn't always make for a beautiful marriage." We did have a nice reception at his mother's church. It's the memories of our innocence, how simple yet wonderful life was eight years ago - we were more happy knowing we would spend the rest of lives & eternity together than having a traditional, costly wedding.

So I'm going to share a couple of things - first the recipe for the Stuffed Chicken Marsala and then 2nd a few pictures from our wedding in 2001. Enjoy!

Stuffed Chicken Marsala

Stuffing:

1 Cup of Provlone Cheese (I cut the slices into strips)
1/2 cup of original breadcrumbs
1/2 cup of Parmesean Cheese
2/3 cup of sour cream
2/3 cup of Sun Dried Tomato Alfredo Sauce (Bertolli)
Pinch of salt & pepper

Mix all ingredients together in mixing bowl.

Chicken:

2 lbs of boneless skinless chicken breast (butterflyed - almost cut in half)
Pinch of salt & pepper
Garlic Powder
Oregeno
2 Cups of Flour
1/2 cup Cooking Oil (I use Canola)
3 pieces of Provolone Cheese
Sliced Tomatoes w/olive oil, salt, pepper, rosemary on top

Preheat oven to 350 degrees.
Cut/Butterfly chicken in half, spoon in your stuffing mix and close chicken shut.
Heat oil in frying pan - add salt, pepper, garlic
Drench chicken in flour/salt/pepper mixture.
Place chicken in frying pan - pan sear until golden brown on both sides.
Put chicken in baking dish, top with a slice of Provolone Cheese and tomato on each piece of chicken.
Bake for 30 minutes.

Sauce:

1 can of beef broth
1/2 can of beefy mushroom soup
1/2 cup of heavy whipping cream
2 Tbs of Canola Oil
2 cups of mushrooms sliced (I used baby portebellos)
Pinch of Salt & Pepper & garlic powder

Sauteé mushrooms in oil, soup, and broth until soft. Add cream and bring to boil. Turn heat down to medium and let simmer for approx. 3 minutes. Pour on top of chicken after it is done baking.

Bon Apetité!!!

And here are the pictures :)

Magical Moments

"The universe is full of magical things, patiently waiting for our wits to grow sharper."


We took Brooke to The Grand Opera House to her first viewing of The Nutcracker this afternoon. Talk about a magical moment! She was in complete awe at all of the dancers, the beautiful auditorium, the music, and the people around her. She did so well too! She sat in my lap the whole time - otherwise she would have never been able to see the performance, being so little and all. A time or two I had to put her hands down because she started mimicking the sugar plum faeries and snowflake princesses. Her enthusiasm was endearing.

Brooke thought on the way there that we were taking her to another recital of sorts. She told us several times that she was going to 'dance with the dancers'. It took until the very last minute when the lights died down and the music to begin, for her to realize that she would be watching instead of participating. Her eyes widened, the smile across her face was infectious as I watched my little girl enjoying her first live theater experience.

Who knows? Maybe one day we will be driving there to watch her 'dance with the dancers' as well. Until then ... I'm off to spend the rest of the weekend with my amazing family. Enjoy a few pictures from our afternoon :)

My Little Reindeer

"Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb a reward." Psalms 127:3


Today was Brooke's first dance recital. I have been looking forward to this for a few months --- each day getting closer, the more anxious I was to see my baby girl on stage dancing & tapping.

We shared this day with my wonderful mother in law, Angel, my Grandparents, my nephew and our great friends, Brooke's godparents - Ronnie & Kelly. We arrived about 45 minutes early and I'm glad we did. The auditorium had already started filling up. We had 8 people in our group and finding a row that wasn't already full, was a mission. We did it though, thank goodness! This year the theme was "Twas the Night Before Christmas" with a spin on it - little verses about Mrs. Kristie's dance program. They had two narrators and about 8 different routines. She offers tap/ballet, competition, jazz, and tumbling classes - each being represented today.

Brooke's part was the fourth routine. They pranced out on stage - all blonde bouncy hair and one sweet red head. The girls wore reindeer antlers with jingle bells on them - noses all painted red. They wore their black leotards with white tights and their red dance tees and tap shoes. My heart melted as I watched her dancing, singing, and smiling on that stage. I've never felt so proud in my entire life. It was incredible. My eyes welled up with tears and I felt more peace than I ever have. She is my miracle child - my heart, my world.

I am reminded that I am beyond blessed- the Lord has given me a purpose in this life and that purpose is to raise my daughter to be like Him. I want her to learn compassion & appreciation, truth & honesty, a heart that gives, hands that serve, and a spirit that praises Him and all His wonders. If I do that, then I will feel more than accomplished :)

Here are some pictures from her recital. Enjoy!

And Just When I Thought ...

"God will not permit any troubles to come upon us; unless He has a specific plan by which great blessings can come out of the difficulty." ~ Peter Marshall

Just when I thought that there was no hope - God stepped in and proved differently. The last week was one of the most emotional weeks I've gone through in a very long time. I made myself believe that there were obviously bigger reasons & plans for us. I was preparing myself to come to peace with the inferility issues. I sought faith but I would be lying if I said that I truly gave in and put 100% faith and hope into my outcome. I worried, nonstop. I didn't sleep - eating was even difficult. I know now that I can't sit on the fence; if I'm going to do something I need to do it wholeheartedly and 100%.

So Thursday afternoon rolls around FINALLY and I make it to my appointment. I have been talking to God nonstop throughout this process - especially while in my car when I'm by myself. On the way to the appointment I told Him that I didn't expect anything miraculous and I would try to understand. I, then, asked for that one good size follicle one last time and went in.

Drum roll please .....

One of the eggs on my left ovary grew to almost 20!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The other didn't grow but only by 1 mm to a 15. But we had one good one and that's all I needed. Dr Evans said the chances of the other egg growing by the time I ovulated was pretty good - so who knows how many I will release? Hmmmm. (Secretly smiles) We both smiled and hugged. I was soooo happy. Tears of happiness welled up in my eyes and I thanked God.

A nurse came in to give me the HCG trigger shot that would help make the eggs release without problem in 24-36 hours. She told me about her story. She had to do fertility treatments as well with her first 2 children but the last two children were surprises.

I text Jr and played a trick on him. I told him that the egg was only 15mm. I then immediately text that the other one was almost 20mm.

So the longest two week wait of all time has officially started :) Let's pray that we did everything we needed to and hopefully as we get closer to Christmas, we'll have good news.

God is amazing - He works wonders when things seem hopeless. He holds our hands when times get tough and His promises are mighty. I am so grateful that my relationship with Him has strengthen during this journey.

Hours Away

"If I look confused ... it's because I'm thinking." ~ Sam Goldwyn

I am hours away from my 2nd dr's appointment of the week. Jr and I briefly discussed our options last night if these eggs have not grown significantly. He absolutely does not want me on Follistim. I don't want to do surgery. So where does that leave us? Both confused, frustrated, and worried.

My other options are to start fresh in January, eating right again, walking and losing the weight. Praying that my cycle starts on its own and that I ovulate on my own as well. If that doesn't work, then our final decision will be to adopt in a couple of years.

What to do. What to do.

I Will Praise You in This Storm

I Will Praise you in This Storm by Casting Crowns

I was sure by now God, that you would have reached down
And wiped our tears away,
Stepped in & saved the day.
But once again, I say Amen
and it's still raining
as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whipser through the rain,
"I'm with you"
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away.



And I'll praise you in this storm
and I will lift my hands
for You are who You are
no matter where I am
and every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
and though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm.



I remember when I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry to You
and raised me up again
My streangth is almost gone, how can I carry on
if I can't find You
and as the thunder rolls
I bearly hear You whisper
"I'm with you"
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away.



I lift my eyes unto the hills
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord , the maker of heaven and earth
I lift my eyes unto the hills
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth.

Hope for the Hopeless

"When the world says 'Give up', hope whispers 'Try it one more time'. "~ Unknown

Dearest Lord,

I know that You know what is best for us. I know that You have plans for me that I could never even dream of; I put my faith in that. I keep telling myself that if You don't see it fit for us to have another child, that I will understand. But honestly, I don't think I can accept it easily. The one thing I want in my life is to be a good mother, to give my precious Brooke siblings, and to share all of this overflowing love that fills my heart and soul.

I am beyond grateful and tremendously blessed to be given the opportunity to be Brooke's Mommy. Lord, she is my world - my miracle baby. I cannot picture my life without her in it. THANK YOU most loving Heavenly Father.

Please heal my broken heart - I know that by enduring trials, we gain more appreciation for the little things we take for granted. It allows our hope and faith to grow and flourish. It makes us stronger and more humble people. This lesson will not go unlearned. This I promise.

In Jesus' name -

Amen.

We went back to the doctor yesterday to have my midcycle ultrasound. This time I was beyond hopeful - I almost knew that I was going to get good news this time. I smiled and told him that I had taken an OPK (ovulation predictor kit/test) and that it was positive that morning - the 1st one I've had seen we've been ttc. He smiled and told me that was probably a good sign. The only time I doubted my quick judgement was the moment that he put the monitor in and made the all too familiar disappointed faces. Back and forth - right to left. Again, my eggs are polycystic. The maximum dose of Clomid did nothing. The added Estradiol was just taken in vain. The only two large eggs he found were on my left ovary and they were only measuring 12.4 mm. They have to be 18-24 to be viable. He gave me three options -

Come back Thursday to see if for some reason they grew any (which he doubted)

Have the surgery but it's not a guarantee.

or

Go to a specialist and be put on medication that is more aggressive with life threatening side effects.

Right now, I'm going to the appointment Thursday. I may be wasting $20.00 for a co-pay but atleast it gives me 2 more days to figure out what I'm going to do in the meantime if I don't have any good news. I am going to remain hopeful and put my faith in the Lord. It's a big pill to swallow - but I won't be resentful.

Being in a room with over 20 very pregnant women was torture. Especially since I knew two of them. It's bittersweet - you're happy for them beyond a doubt but you also hurt more than they can realize unless they've been through it themselves. This journey - this infertility journey - is the most lonely, heart aching experience . No one understands - no one truly cares (I've learned) unless they have gone through it personally. They may give you the "Oh that's too bad. I'm sorry" 's , but that's the extent of it. Don't get me wrong, I do not want pity. Ask Jr --- I am completely against pity donations. I just want a sympathetic shoulder to lean on and cry with when needed.

In closing - I want to share a few quotes about hope that inspire me:

"Once you choose hope, anything is possible." ~ Christopher Reeves

"You've got to have hope. Without hope life is meaningless. Without hope life is meaning less and less." ~ Unknown

"Hope is faith holding out its hand in the dark." ~ George Iles

"When you get to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on!" ~Unknown

"When you feel like giving up, remember why you held on for so long in the first place." ~ Unknown

"Dont' be discouraged. It's often the last key in the bunch that opens the lock." ~ Unknown