Monday, January 11, 2010


"From grace comes truth, from truth comes a system of belief, from belief comes the freedom to decide." ~ Unknown

I am at a crossroads - I feel lost, empty, and have no idea what I am doing. I keep looking for some kind of certainity, answers - anything to help me get through each day. I smile, I laugh, I joke and act carefree - but every quiet moment to myself, I become real. More real than anyone has ever seen. I become sad, hopeless, unsure of myself, resentful, tired, curious as to why I am stuck in this miserable body. I cry until my eyes hurt and my chest aches.

Everywhere I look, someone is announcing their expecting pregnancy. I am truly happy for them, but OH how it anguishes my heart. I hate to say that I'm giving up, but I can't continue getting my hopes up, just to watch them shatter each month. I don't even know what day past ovulation I am. Don't get me wrong, it is on my mind constantly but it is becoming very overwhelming. I feel like I'm having one huge constant pity party for myself. I HATE when I get like that. I know I have many blessings to be grateful for ( I DONT NEED TO HEAR THAT), but when I can't accomplish something that most women have no issues at all creating, it gets to me; climbs into my inner soul and eats at it, tramples on the little bit of light I have left inside of me. I thought maybe I could do it this month on my own - I wasn't worrying as much, I have been eating good, taking my vitamins, water water water - and I am pretty positive that it just didn't happen.

I don't know what You have planned for me God - I really don't but I wish You would shed a little light so I would quit doing this to myself. I trust You & I love You no matter what decision You have made for me - all I ask is that You help me through it. I can't do this by myself........

"In my anguish I cried to Lord, and He answered by setting me free. The Lord is with me, I will not be afraid. What can man do to me?" Psalms 118:5-6

(This was my scripture for today. Can we say WOW?! I found it after I wrote this.)

Monday, January 4, 2010

Hotdog Sandwiches

"Life is full of beauty. Notice it. Notice the bumble bee, the small child, and the smiling faces. Smell the rain and feel the wind. Live your life to the fullest potential and fight for your dreams." ~Ashley Smith

I promise to insert the picture I took over the weekend of the hotdog sandwich that Brooke requested for lunch Saturday as soon as I get home this evening. It kind of sparked the desire to open an unusual sandwich shop in downtown Macon. Jr says I'm crazy - but who knows, right? It would have all kinds of weird sandwiches on the menu - lasagna sandwich, spaghetti, hotdog, macaroni, etc. Everyone has to have a dream - mine just happens to be two slices of bread and something different outside of the norm, in between it.

Our weekend was great - I truly miss being home with Brooke right now. Unfortunately that doesn't pay the bills. So here I sit in this small office, bored to my wits end, writing this blog. I really have lots at home that needs to be done - laundry, cleaning our bedrooms, organizing the cabinets, taking a nap even ;o)

We took Brooke to see Alvin & The Chipmunks The Squeakal Saturday. She absolutely loved it - I'm amazed by how well she behaves in public. Sbe sat there the whole time, still and quiet. She gorged on popcorn & Raisinets. We let her play in the arcade afterwards - that to her was more fun than the actual movie. We went to my grandparents house on New Years Day and Brooke had fun playing with her cousins, picking camillas with my Papa, helping Patti in the kitchen & playing dolls with her Aunt April. We watched movies & baked a fudge cake at home. Nothing beats spending time with your family - it means the most to me. I'm going to take in all of these moments - the ones I will miss when she is grown & beginning her own life.

So, I've been kind of discreet about the whole babymaking thing this cycle --- I'm cd16. I guess I feel like if I talk about it, maybe I'll jinx it??? I don't know. Now clue if or when I will ovulate. I have taken 3 opk's and all have been negative - however, each day the line seems to get darker. We're trying this round without the help of doctors. No ultrasound checks = no disappointment. The disappointment, however turns into constant curiousity. I keep telling myself that if it doesn't happen, I'm going to live. Life does go on - even when we don't get what we want more than anything. We are all designed with a special purpose in mind by our Creator. He knows exactly what we are capable of and even when we think He doesn't hear our prayers - He does. He will answer them - even if it's not the one we wanted.

We have gone ahead and started the pre-application process for adoption through Covenant Care Adoption Services. I didn't realize how much it cost to adopt!!!!! You would figure that if you had a loving family & was willing to take in a child in your home & life, to care for & love forever, that the only cost you would have to pay are the legal ones. However, there are all kinds of fees that you have to pay: application fee, home assessment fee, pre-placement fee, placement fee, hourly fee for contract work, a home assessment update fee, supervisory fees, court report and contract home assessment fees. It all totals around $20,000!!!!! I'm going to ask a friend of mine what she had to do when adopting her daughter. I don't think she had to pay even 1/4 of that.

Now - onto other news. We are looking at some land in Gray - 10 acres, beautiful lot next to an even more gorgeous creek. It's reasonably priced and Jr & I want it so bad we can taste it. We both talk about all the stuff we want to do with it - building a family home to call our own for years to come. We have spoke with the realtor and just waiting for him to overcome an illness so he can give us a formal viewing of it. Jr's ready to spend his weekend clearing & cleaning out land. I'm looking forward to designing my own home :)

Enough of 'me time' - let me finish up my work here and prepare for my real job (aka Mommy) when I get home.