Monday, January 11, 2010


"From grace comes truth, from truth comes a system of belief, from belief comes the freedom to decide." ~ Unknown

I am at a crossroads - I feel lost, empty, and have no idea what I am doing. I keep looking for some kind of certainity, answers - anything to help me get through each day. I smile, I laugh, I joke and act carefree - but every quiet moment to myself, I become real. More real than anyone has ever seen. I become sad, hopeless, unsure of myself, resentful, tired, curious as to why I am stuck in this miserable body. I cry until my eyes hurt and my chest aches.

Everywhere I look, someone is announcing their expecting pregnancy. I am truly happy for them, but OH how it anguishes my heart. I hate to say that I'm giving up, but I can't continue getting my hopes up, just to watch them shatter each month. I don't even know what day past ovulation I am. Don't get me wrong, it is on my mind constantly but it is becoming very overwhelming. I feel like I'm having one huge constant pity party for myself. I HATE when I get like that. I know I have many blessings to be grateful for ( I DONT NEED TO HEAR THAT), but when I can't accomplish something that most women have no issues at all creating, it gets to me; climbs into my inner soul and eats at it, tramples on the little bit of light I have left inside of me. I thought maybe I could do it this month on my own - I wasn't worrying as much, I have been eating good, taking my vitamins, water water water - and I am pretty positive that it just didn't happen.

I don't know what You have planned for me God - I really don't but I wish You would shed a little light so I would quit doing this to myself. I trust You & I love You no matter what decision You have made for me - all I ask is that You help me through it. I can't do this by myself........

"In my anguish I cried to Lord, and He answered by setting me free. The Lord is with me, I will not be afraid. What can man do to me?" Psalms 118:5-6

(This was my scripture for today. Can we say WOW?! I found it after I wrote this.)

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