Birthday, Updates and More!

It's amazing what we allow ourselves to block out of our lives. The many massquerades we find ourselves hiding behind in order to remain in denial. After my last post, I honestly put TTC in the back of my mind. Of course, when an acquaintance found out they were expecting, the issue kind of floated around, but not for long. I buried those resentments towards TTC - I think I buried them deep enough, where I won't allow them to control my life anymore.
Well, I'm at that one year mark of beginning this blog and I figured I would catch the world up with my life.
Tomorrow my princess will be FOUR years old. Four. Where have these years gone to? We celebrated her birthday Saturday and had a wonderful time. We went back to Sportz Quest for the party location and of course they did a good job. We had Amanda Meadows with Amanda's Cakery make Brooke's Hello Kity cake. She exceeded my expectations and the cake was magnificant!!! We didn't have a huge turnout but the ones who came made it more memorable if the party size was double that. She was happy and that's all that truly matters.

I started a new job in March. So far, I am liking it a lot better than my last job. Of course transportation logistics is a stressful industry - but not being on call anymore as well as not dealing with office politics has been well worth the change of scenary.

My father in law was diagnosed with invasive lung cancer June 22nd. Jr is an only child and his parents live with us - so this has been extremely trying on all of us. He is home from the hospital now and seems in good spirits. He starts chemo next week. He was able to make it to Brooke's party and that truly meant the world to all of us, especially him. Please remember him in your prayers.

Brooke starts Pre-K August 9th. I'm a nervous wreck!!!! I know she is going to do a wonderful job and I know she is going to enjoy it, but it's one more reminder that she isn't a baby anymore :(

Brooke also had a recital last month at The Grand Opera House in Macon. Her ballet/tap class performed 3 different scenes from Cats - yes the Broadway Musical. I was beyond proud of watching my little girl dancing and singing on stage in front of hundreds. She acted like it was her second home. We are signing her up for next term this month.

She is also taking swim lessons and is already swimming underwater like a little fish! We are really enjoying the swimming pool this year.

That sums up the Coleman Family right now. Hope you are each doing good and maybe I'll show up a little more often to give life updates :)

Crossroads

"From grace comes truth, from truth comes a system of belief, from belief comes the freedom to decide." ~ Unknown

I am at a crossroads - I feel lost, empty, and have no idea what I am doing. I keep looking for some kind of certainity, answers - anything to help me get through each day. I smile, I laugh, I joke and act carefree - but every quiet moment to myself, I become real. More real than anyone has ever seen. I become sad, hopeless, unsure of myself, resentful, tired, curious as to why I am stuck in this miserable body. I cry until my eyes hurt and my chest aches.

Everywhere I look, someone is announcing their expecting pregnancy. I am truly happy for them, but OH how it anguishes my heart. I hate to say that I'm giving up, but I can't continue getting my hopes up, just to watch them shatter each month. I don't even know what day past ovulation I am. Don't get me wrong, it is on my mind constantly but it is becoming very overwhelming. I feel like I'm having one huge constant pity party for myself. I HATE when I get like that. I know I have many blessings to be grateful for ( I DONT NEED TO HEAR THAT), but when I can't accomplish something that most women have no issues at all creating, it gets to me; climbs into my inner soul and eats at it, tramples on the little bit of light I have left inside of me. I thought maybe I could do it this month on my own - I wasn't worrying as much, I have been eating good, taking my vitamins, water water water - and I am pretty positive that it just didn't happen.

I don't know what You have planned for me God - I really don't but I wish You would shed a little light so I would quit doing this to myself. I trust You & I love You no matter what decision You have made for me - all I ask is that You help me through it. I can't do this by myself........

"In my anguish I cried to Lord, and He answered by setting me free. The Lord is with me, I will not be afraid. What can man do to me?" Psalms 118:5-6

(This was my scripture for today. Can we say WOW?! I found it after I wrote this.)

Hotdog Sandwiches

"Life is full of beauty. Notice it. Notice the bumble bee, the small child, and the smiling faces. Smell the rain and feel the wind. Live your life to the fullest potential and fight for your dreams." ~Ashley Smith


I promise to insert the picture I took over the weekend of the hotdog sandwich that Brooke requested for lunch Saturday as soon as I get home this evening. It kind of sparked the desire to open an unusual sandwich shop in downtown Macon. Jr says I'm crazy - but who knows, right? It would have all kinds of weird sandwiches on the menu - lasagna sandwich, spaghetti, hotdog, macaroni, etc. Everyone has to have a dream - mine just happens to be two slices of bread and something different outside of the norm, in between it.

Our weekend was great - I truly miss being home with Brooke right now. Unfortunately that doesn't pay the bills. So here I sit in this small office, bored to my wits end, writing this blog. I really have lots at home that needs to be done - laundry, cleaning our bedrooms, organizing the cabinets, taking a nap even ;o)

We took Brooke to see Alvin & The Chipmunks The Squeakal Saturday. She absolutely loved it - I'm amazed by how well she behaves in public. Sbe sat there the whole time, still and quiet. She gorged on popcorn & Raisinets. We let her play in the arcade afterwards - that to her was more fun than the actual movie. We went to my grandparents house on New Years Day and Brooke had fun playing with her cousins, picking camillas with my Papa, helping Patti in the kitchen & playing dolls with her Aunt April. We watched movies & baked a fudge cake at home. Nothing beats spending time with your family - it means the most to me. I'm going to take in all of these moments - the ones I will miss when she is grown & beginning her own life.

So, I've been kind of discreet about the whole babymaking thing this cycle --- I'm cd16. I guess I feel like if I talk about it, maybe I'll jinx it??? I don't know. Now clue if or when I will ovulate. I have taken 3 opk's and all have been negative - however, each day the line seems to get darker. We're trying this round without the help of doctors. No ultrasound checks = no disappointment. The disappointment, however turns into constant curiousity. I keep telling myself that if it doesn't happen, I'm going to live. Life does go on - even when we don't get what we want more than anything. We are all designed with a special purpose in mind by our Creator. He knows exactly what we are capable of and even when we think He doesn't hear our prayers - He does. He will answer them - even if it's not the one we wanted.

We have gone ahead and started the pre-application process for adoption through Covenant Care Adoption Services. I didn't realize how much it cost to adopt!!!!! You would figure that if you had a loving family & was willing to take in a child in your home & life, to care for & love forever, that the only cost you would have to pay are the legal ones. However, there are all kinds of fees that you have to pay: application fee, home assessment fee, pre-placement fee, placement fee, hourly fee for contract work, a home assessment update fee, supervisory fees, court report and contract home assessment fees. It all totals around $20,000!!!!! I'm going to ask a friend of mine what she had to do when adopting her daughter. I don't think she had to pay even 1/4 of that.

Now - onto other news. We are looking at some land in Gray - 10 acres, beautiful lot next to an even more gorgeous creek. It's reasonably priced and Jr & I want it so bad we can taste it. We both talk about all the stuff we want to do with it - building a family home to call our own for years to come. We have spoke with the realtor and just waiting for him to overcome an illness so he can give us a formal viewing of it. Jr's ready to spend his weekend clearing & cleaning out land. I'm looking forward to designing my own home :)

Enough of 'me time' - let me finish up my work here and prepare for my real job (aka Mommy) when I get home.

Holiday Schomorgesborg

"Years end is neither an end nor a beginning, but a going on , with all the wisdom that experience can instill in us." ~ Hal Borland

Wow! I can't believe that Christmas has come & gone! It barely feels like it stopped through long enough for a short visit and then was out before I could open my eyes. We certainly had a wonderful one despite my poor Jr being sick Christmas day. Brooke was spoiled beyond reasoning but I'm grateful that she does understand the true meaning behind this wonderful holiday event - she woke up that morning saying "Happy Birthday Jesus." She threw on her purple dress up heels and clunked her way through the hallway with Mommy & Daddy in tow - when she got to the living room, her jaw dropped and she stood in disbelief at what she saw lying beneath the tree. The scene was priceless and I will always remember the look of utter shock and excitement on my baby girl's face in that moment of innocence. Brooke & I spent the day with my grandparents, mom, sister & her family and Bubba and his family as well. Jr, poor guy, spent it at home resting. I really felt like a piece of me was missing - corney I know but I couldn't really enjoy myself completely over there without him. It was kind of noticable and my mother commented on the miserable look on my face. I'm happy to say he is feeling much better now and I managed not to get it! Must be the prenatal vitamins and other herbal supplements I'm on :)



Here are some pics from our Christmas day & a Christmas party at my grandparents house:

Along with Christmas flying by so fast - another year has managed to come & go even more quickly. I have a handful of things that I am anticipating in 2010. I decided to make a list - one of my favorite things to do by the way :)

- Strengthening my relationship with God

- Brooke starting Pre-K. Bittersweet.

- Celebrating being with Jr for 10 years

- Hopefully (fingers crossed) Baby Coleman #2

- New friendships blossoming

- Starting my book - it's been four months since Jr bought me my laptop. Need to put it to use.

- March of Dimes walk in April

- Dear John movie in February

- Reading new books

- Florida!

- Brooke's formal dance recital in June

- All the little unknown joys that will surprise me when I least expect it.

I am undecided whether or not I will make any resolutions this year. I always manage to disappoint myself within a couple of months anyways. A New Years resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other. Haha If I did - I'm NOT adding weightloss on it AGAIN for the 100th time. It would be more like building my relationship with Jr, blogging more, praying more, finding my creative niche, worry less, love more, and teach Brooke lessons that will enlighten her life.

With that being said - I'm off to read The Last Song and cuddle in bed with Brooke. G'night all!

HOLY JELLY!!!

Ok - I'll go ahead and be the 1st one to admit that I'm weird :) My husband would probably say beyond it, but whose counting ;)

I wish I would have waited until today - I could of saved probably $100 in HPT's but because I'm a POAS addict like you wouldn't believe, I had no choice ;) Quick refresher - in yesterday's blog I wrote how I didn't know what I was going to do because I'm not like most women, I don't have natural cycles that come monthly on my own and the dr didn't want to continue treatment, blah blah blah. Ok - onto my excitement - I woke up this morning, was about to test again and BAM! AF came on its own this morning!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! There is hope! I am in shock. I never start on my own - maybe once a year and never around the time I'm on Clomid. Wow. Hence the weird part - I asked Jr how many ladies he knew that would be happy & excited that their periods started and he said, "Not many, Christen." Poor guy - he definitely is on a roller coaster when it comes to dealing with my emotions.

So I wanted to update you very sweet & supportive ladies. I'm hopefully NOT out of the running quite yet. We do have this month to try again! Thank you LORD!!! And thank you all for your prayers, they truly mean alot to me.

"Keep your dreams alive. Understand to achieve anything requires faith and belief in yourself, vision, hard work, determination, and dedication. Remember all things are possible for those who believe." ~Gail Devers

And the results are in ...

Today I am 14 dpo (days past ovulation) and took my 'official' pregnancy test.

Devasted & heartbroken? Yes - more than I thought I would be. My next plans? Not sure yet - I'm not like most women - I can't just hope it happens next month. I'm a 3 strikes out, kind of deal. No more tries with Clomid - no money for surgery and no time or money to invest in more aggressive medicines. I guess after the holidays, I'm going to start hardcore dieting and try to get my cycle back naturally.

I'm leaving this one in God's hands. I'm not going to question Him or resent His decision - I'm going to continue to praise Him for the blessings I already have in my life and try my hardest to move forward and be strong.

There is one good thing that came out of this round and it was developing a remarkable friendship with an amazing girl who was in the same boat as me. I didn't have to go through the two week wait alone ---- we had each other. I thank God for her friendship and for bringing her in my life when I needed someone during this lonely journey. Congrats on your BFP sweetie!

"Trust in the Lord with all thine heart and lean not to thine own understanding. In all thy ways, acknowledge Him and He shall direct thy paths." Proverbs 3:5 (my favorite verse)

Here Comes the Bride ...

"Love at first sight is easy to understand; it's when two people have been looking at each other for a lifetime that it becomes a miracle."








Ok, so technically eight years is not a lifetime but it is pretty close ;o) Today Jr & I celebrated our eighth wedding anniversary. Of course we both had to work and of course the weather is horrible so I decided to make him his favorite resteraunt dish for supper - Stuffed Chicken Marsala. It was a success! I wish I would of taken pictures of it, I was so proud! When I thought about it, he was shoveling the last few bites into his mouth. Heehee.



I am one blessed wife! Despite our downs, we've had many many more ups and that is what truly matters. How unordinary & unchallenging would it be though to live each day the same as the last? Without struggles we can't appreciate the good things in life.



Jr comes from a family where his mother & father (whom I really adore) have been married for over 30 years - no divorce. I come from a family where, uhmmmm it is actually quite the opposite. My mother has been married & divorced four times and my father - too many times to honestly count ... HONESTLY. Divorce terrifies me. I think that's why during our first year of marriage, I was stubborn beyound a doubt - it didn't matter how many times we fussed or argued or what problems came our way - I was determined not to be another statistic. I was already putting myself out there for that possibility because I was only 18 (he was 21) when we were married.



I wouldn't have it any other way, though. Jr is truly my soulmate. He loves me and always wants the best for me. There were several friends who didn't understand it and tried to make me believe that he was controlling. That wasn't so - he just didn't want to see me where those people were during the bad times of their lives. He knew my worth and he knew I could succeed. He's always encouraged me and he has ALWAYS been there for me throughout any struggle I've come across. He's listen to me cry, wiped away my tears, held my hand when I was scared, shared my laughter - he's who God chose for me. I firmly believe that.



Being that we were both young - I was newly graduated from school, working part time in a grocery store and he was fairly new at his job - we didn't have a whole lot of money (the song 'We aint' gotta alot of money' comes to mind). We got married in the courthouse, nothing fancy. Of course I would go back and do it all over again and would of least had a small wedding, but like my mother in law says, "A beautiful wedding doesn't always make for a beautiful marriage." We did have a nice reception at his mother's church. It's the memories of our innocence, how simple yet wonderful life was eight years ago - we were more happy knowing we would spend the rest of lives & eternity together than having a traditional, costly wedding.

So I'm going to share a couple of things - first the recipe for the Stuffed Chicken Marsala and then 2nd a few pictures from our wedding in 2001. Enjoy!

Stuffed Chicken Marsala

Stuffing:

1 Cup of Provlone Cheese (I cut the slices into strips)
1/2 cup of original breadcrumbs
1/2 cup of Parmesean Cheese
2/3 cup of sour cream
2/3 cup of Sun Dried Tomato Alfredo Sauce (Bertolli)
Pinch of salt & pepper

Mix all ingredients together in mixing bowl.

Chicken:

2 lbs of boneless skinless chicken breast (butterflyed - almost cut in half)
Pinch of salt & pepper
Garlic Powder
Oregeno
2 Cups of Flour
1/2 cup Cooking Oil (I use Canola)
3 pieces of Provolone Cheese
Sliced Tomatoes w/olive oil, salt, pepper, rosemary on top

Preheat oven to 350 degrees.
Cut/Butterfly chicken in half, spoon in your stuffing mix and close chicken shut.
Heat oil in frying pan - add salt, pepper, garlic
Drench chicken in flour/salt/pepper mixture.
Place chicken in frying pan - pan sear until golden brown on both sides.
Put chicken in baking dish, top with a slice of Provolone Cheese and tomato on each piece of chicken.
Bake for 30 minutes.

Sauce:

1 can of beef broth
1/2 can of beefy mushroom soup
1/2 cup of heavy whipping cream
2 Tbs of Canola Oil
2 cups of mushrooms sliced (I used baby portebellos)
Pinch of Salt & Pepper & garlic powder

Sauteé mushrooms in oil, soup, and broth until soft. Add cream and bring to boil. Turn heat down to medium and let simmer for approx. 3 minutes. Pour on top of chicken after it is done baking.

Bon Apetité!!!

And here are the pictures :)