It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year!

"Christmas waves a magic wand over this world, and behold, everything is softer and more beautiful." ~ Norman Vincent Peale

We have had a great kick off to the Christmas season! This morning we woke up and took Brooke to see her very 1st movie ever in a theater (A Christmas Carol in 3D). She absolutely loved it! She was very good and thought she was a big shot because she got to sit in the theater seat all by herself and had her very own bag of M & M's. Afterwards we headed out to Sandy Creek Christmas Tree Farm and looked at all the trees that they had, picked out our special one, rode around the farm and looked at the decorations. We went home and JR put the tree up inside while I went grocery shopping for our pre-holiday dinner. It's sort of our tradition to make a 'mock' Thanksgiving meal before decorating the tree. I made potato salad, deviled eggs, honey ham (spiral), greenbean casserole, butter beans, cranberry sauce, rolls and finished with a banana chocolate cream cake. Very good. We turned on the Christmas music and we all decorated the tree. Jr bought a video camera a few days ago as an early Christmas present for himself so we were able to record the experience. We then headed outside and built a fire in the firepit, and hung out outside and looked at the stars.
I have a feeling that this is going to be one of the best Christmas' yet.

Here are a few pics from our adventure today. Enjoy!

Thanksgiving - An Attitude of Gratitude

"To speak gratitude is courteous and pleasant, to enact gratitude is generous and noble, but to live gratitude is to touch Heaven." Johannes A. Gaetaer

Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday and not only because of the great food that we enjoy each year :) I truly yearn for everything yielding towards being grateful for what we all are blessed with; and to dedicate one day of the year to such a wonderful phenomenon, is amazing to me. Not to mention it is the kick off for the Christmas season.

For the last month, I have been going out of my way to grasp completely what I like to call an attitude of gratitude. Normally when I find that I am complaining more often than usual or in a slump of depression for whatever reason - I think about all the many blessings that I have and then think about what I can do in my enriched life that could contribute to people who would probably die to have the things that I have and live the life that I live. This year I decided to have our company's 2nd annual food drive for the less fortunate - we are doing pretty good so far - watching the boxes fill up, basically fills up my own heart. I also called Macon's March of Dimes representive and I am meeting with her this upcoming Tuesday to see how I can help volunteer within their organization. Doing acts of service ALWAYS is my remedy to getting out of my own little funk. It keeps me grounded and reminds me of the treasures God has bestowed in my life that I normally take for granted.

This Thanksgiving, we went to my grandparents house. I can truly say it was one of my favorites. To see my precious grandparents and the genuine love on their faces, my mother (she is looking GREAT), and my siblings, their families and my cousins. I sat back and just relished in the memories being made before my eyes - the kids playing soccer in the backyard and swinging on Papa's tire swing, listening to the radio play while staring at the colored leaves falling from the trees, a good conversation with my mother, bellies full from Patti's yummy dressing, my Aunt Kaye's laughter filling the room, the guys watching their football in the living room, the desserts spread across my Patti's kitchen making the best decor ever, and the chill in the air.

I am truly a very fortunate girl - I have an amazing family - a husband who loves me despite my flaws, a daughter who I never thought would possibly be in my life, supportive friends who have been there for me through my most recent trial (ttc journey), a warm home, clothes, loving pets - you name it.

Here are some pictures from our day - Enjoy :)

Infertility

Infertility


The unspoken beast
Lingers in every thought
Every speechless conversation.

A personal defeat
A constant battle being fought
Begging against pity donations.

Head held high
Heart, however, on the floor.
Sincerity a lost companion.

A part of me dies
It strikes my soul to the core
Searching for some kind of understanding.

Resentment, my new friend
Resides by my side at every hour
Destroys what little hope I possess

This pain I must mend
Before my spirit withers like a flower
Bruised petals gathered to be pressed.

~Christen Chérie Coleman 2009

Stupid, Stupid Me.

It's been a while since I've wrote - why is it when I need to vent or journal the most, I do it the least?!



I didn't get any good news my last visit to the doctor - my eggs are all very polycystic; small in size and not maturing because the cysts are covering them. The doctor once again was very disappointed. If I show no signs of improvement next visit he wants to schedule surgery - ovarian drilling.

The problem - I don't have the time or the money. I just had surgery in August to have my gallbladder removed. I can't miss anymore work until next year. Plus we are still waiting to see how much of that I'm going to have to pay out of my pocket. Grrrr.

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After this point I lost THE MOST IMPORTANT part of my blog. Poof* Somehow I manage to delete it while typing with fingers of fury.

To sum it up - I'm angry, I'm hurt, I'm sensitive, I'm tired of trying, I'm tired of crying, I'm naieve, I'm overly hopeful, I'm obsessive with the whole thing, I'm a fool and I WANT TO TAKE A BREAK FROM THE CRAZY PAINFUL TTC JOURNEY!!!!!!!!!!!! It's starting to break my heart more and more each month which each BFN (big fat negative). No one understands unless they've been there - and I don't know a single person in 'real life' not 'online life' who is going thru it or have been thru it and willing to let me lean on them for a while.

Family Vacation 2009

We haven't been on a family vacation since May of last year and even then, it wasn't anything too special - a couple of days in the North Georgia mountains. Don't get me wrong, I love the mountains more than anything but I've been desperately wanting to go to the ocean - something other than the Georgia coastline for years.

We decided to go to Saint Augustine, FL - both beautiful ocean scenary and secluded beaches as well as wonderful, interesting history.

The trip down there was a bit of a downer - my poor Brookie got carsick five times :( She was fine, however, as soon as we got to the condo.

Brooke LOVES the beach - she wanted to spend the whole trip there. She loved splashing in the water, building sand castles, and collecting sea shells with Mommy.

Sunday - spent at the beach that afternoon/evening.

Monday - we took Brooke to the Alligator Farm. She got to see several alligators, different kinds of tropical birds, monkey's, and other animals. Her favorite part was the playground area for the kids.

Tuesday - we went to Marineland where Brooke got to see the dolphins. She absolutely enjoyed watching them do tricks and swim around her.

Wednesday - we went spent the day in downtown Saint Augustine, FL walking around and went to Potter's Wax Museum.

Thursday - spent whole day at the beach :) Left that night so Brooke would sleep and wouldn't get carsick. *Success*

*Pictures to come soon*

Oh let's just do a top 10 while we're at it ...

It's been a while since I've been faced with the not-so-favorable responses to my infertility from my friends and family members. I am now reminded of the insincerity and thoughtless comments that in the end, kind of sting a little, if I must say so myself.

I decided I would share a few, perhaps make a top 10 list - like my good ol' friend David Letterman, of the most common & idiotic things people should never say to women who are struggling while TTC -

10 -"Oh my husband looks at me & I instantly get pregnant." (Ouch - maybe Jr should try putting on his superpower goggles now????)

9 -"You're stressing too much. Quit thinking about it & relax; it will 'just happen' " (Yeah because having PCOS is just a mind over matter disease, eh?)

8-"(((Insert senseless advice))) Always worked for me." (I'm sure if I've read or heard of it, I've already tried it and well it isn't working for me!)

7-"Have you considered adoption yet?" (I'm all for adoption, don't get me wrong, but my pockets, well they aren't exactly that deep.)

6-"You don't know how lucky you are to only have ONE kid - more than that, is just a handful!" (And you don't know how lucky you are to have that more than one kid "problem")

5-"Maybe you're not "doing it" right." (I'm no expert, but just know that is not even half of an issue ;o) Sorry loving family who is reading this. LOL)

4-"You're young - you have plenty of time." (Time is just an evil word.)

3-"What's meant to be, is meant to be." (Ya think? Take something you want more than anything in the universe & can't make it happen - still giving the same worn out advice?! Didn't think so.)

2-"Shedding a few pounds would work wonders for you!" (And fixing the ugly on your face, would probably help your ugly attitude. )

And the number one *duh* response of all time - "Maybe this is God's way of slowing down the earth's population? Kind of deep - but you know what I'm saying?"

Uhm no I don't "know what you're saying" - I do know, however, you are short a few marbles.

/rant.

Green Eggs ...

... but not the Dr. Seuss kind and minus the ham. Atleast those kind of eggs are whimsical.

I sat in the doctor's office for what seemed like hours - more like 20 minutes - waiting on him & my nurse to roll in the ultrasound machine. When they finally brought it in, I had to wait yet another thirty minutes. Got to love doctor offices. I reviewed the Female Reproduction chart 12 times, wondering what part of the process mine always seemed to have glitches - poked the probe that was attached the u/s monitor just to see what it felt like, read all of his degrees on the wall, and sang every Kings of Leon song I could think of.

In they walked - almost like a scene from Men in Black - except she was obviously a 'she' and not a he and wore pink, most appropriately.

Insert probe thingey - weird face, more weird faces, push, PAIN, DISCOMFORT, more peculiar looks, shake of the head, and then pointing.

"See, Chris, here is your left ovary and all of these, well these ARE eggs - but not good ones. And this is your right ovary," scrolling over to the other side, "and they are equally small eggs that are not any good. Hmmm. I'm disappointed."

YOU ARE DISAPPOINTED?! Really? Well imagine my disappointment. Instead of crying like I really wanted to, I slapped that $100 fake smile on my face and said, "Well that stinks." Got dressed and then met back up with the nurse.

They are now putting me on 150 mg of Clomid for my next cycle and IF that doesn't work, then I'll be on 200 mg in September. I only get 6 tries at this - strike 1 down - 5 more to go.

Leaving, I was a bit disenchanted - just ready to get home to Brooke - it was her 1st night at dance class. I get to the bottom of the parking garage, go to put my parking ticket in the machine to leave and it wouldn't take it. It's 5pm and everyone was ready to leave - cars backing up as far as I could see. I was super nervous and started tearing up. Someone started blowing their horn at me and all I could do was scream at the top of my lungs that my ticket wouldn't go in. The car raced around and I had no clue what to do. Then, the sweet woman behind me, told me to just hit the call button and someone would let me out. Thank GOD for her - IT WORKED! My nerves all worked up at this point, I wait at the end of the exit ramp, a broke down van blocks my view from oncoming traffic. I sit and wait a bit but remember the line of cars behind me ready to go - I pull out and sure enough, here comes a car at full speed. THANK GOD I didn't get creamed! I was going in the wrong direction - but atleast I was going.


My day was better than that despite popular belief as mentioned in the above stories lol - Brooke went to the dentist for the 1st time and (((DRUM ROLL PLEASE))) No cavaties!! She did really good, didn't cry and did everything the sweet hygentist told her to.

She also had her 1st dance class that night. We were the 1st group to arrive and stood in her classroom waiting on the other students to arrive. Brooke stood in front of the mirror and danced her little fanny off. Her teacher absolutely died laughing - she loved her enthusiasm. This was the 1st time I had to drop her off & leave her anywhere. It was only for 45 minutes, but still it tugged at my heartstrings. I knew it was for the best - she needs this :) When I went back in to pick her up, one of her teachers said that she was funny, absolutely hilarious! Jr, precautious, asked, "Was she misbehaving?!" I explained that it was our 1st time leaving her alone and he was just concerned. She said, "No way - she was the most outgoing one in the group!" This made me so happy & so proud of her.

I will post pictures soon of her dancing before class - I'm at work now and do not have them with me.

So - all in all - I'm learning to strengthen my patience - as well as my faith & hope. I knew realistically that we wouldn't conceive on my 1st round of Clomid - but secretly I hoped ;)

Until next time my friends - I leave you with this:

"I have heard there are troubles of more than one kind. Some come from ahead and some come from behind. But I've bought a big bat, I'm all ready you see. Now my troubles are going to have troubles with me. " ~ Dr. Seuss