Infertility
The unspoken beast
Lingers in every thought
Every speechless conversation.
A personal defeat
A constant battle being fought
Begging against pity donations.
Head held high
Heart, however, on the floor.
Sincerity a lost companion.
A part of me dies
It strikes my soul to the core
Searching for some kind of understanding.
Resentment, my new friend
Resides by my side at every hour
Destroys what little hope I possess
This pain I must mend
Before my spirit withers like a flower
Bruised petals gathered to be pressed.
~Christen Chérie Coleman 2009
Sunday, November 22, 2009
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Stupid, Stupid Me.
It's been a while since I've wrote - why is it when I need to vent or journal the most, I do it the least?!
I didn't get any good news my last visit to the doctor - my eggs are all very polycystic; small in size and not maturing because the cysts are covering them. The doctor once again was very disappointed. If I show no signs of improvement next visit he wants to schedule surgery - ovarian drilling.
The problem - I don't have the time or the money. I just had surgery in August to have my gallbladder removed. I can't miss anymore work until next year. Plus we are still waiting to see how much of that I'm going to have to pay out of my pocket. Grrrr.
I didn't get any good news my last visit to the doctor - my eggs are all very polycystic; small in size and not maturing because the cysts are covering them. The doctor once again was very disappointed. If I show no signs of improvement next visit he wants to schedule surgery - ovarian drilling.
The problem - I don't have the time or the money. I just had surgery in August to have my gallbladder removed. I can't miss anymore work until next year. Plus we are still waiting to see how much of that I'm going to have to pay out of my pocket. Grrrr.
-----
After this point I lost THE MOST IMPORTANT part of my blog. Poof* Somehow I manage to delete it while typing with fingers of fury.
To sum it up - I'm angry, I'm hurt, I'm sensitive, I'm tired of trying, I'm tired of crying, I'm naieve, I'm overly hopeful, I'm obsessive with the whole thing, I'm a fool and I WANT TO TAKE A BREAK FROM THE CRAZY PAINFUL TTC JOURNEY!!!!!!!!!!!! It's starting to break my heart more and more each month which each BFN (big fat negative). No one understands unless they've been there - and I don't know a single person in 'real life' not 'online life' who is going thru it or have been thru it and willing to let me lean on them for a while.
Friday, August 28, 2009
Family Vacation 2009
We haven't been on a family vacation since May of last year and even then, it wasn't anything too special - a couple of days in the North Georgia mountains. Don't get me wrong, I love the mountains more than anything but I've been desperately wanting to go to the ocean - something other than the Georgia coastline for years.
We decided to go to Saint Augustine, FL - both beautiful ocean scenary and secluded beaches as well as wonderful, interesting history.
The trip down there was a bit of a downer - my poor Brookie got carsick five times :( She was fine, however, as soon as we got to the condo.
Brooke LOVES the beach - she wanted to spend the whole trip there. She loved splashing in the water, building sand castles, and collecting sea shells with Mommy.
Sunday - spent at the beach that afternoon/evening.
Monday - we took Brooke to the Alligator Farm. She got to see several alligators, different kinds of tropical birds, monkey's, and other animals. Her favorite part was the playground area for the kids.
Tuesday - we went to Marineland where Brooke got to see the dolphins. She absolutely enjoyed watching them do tricks and swim around her.
Wednesday - we went spent the day in downtown Saint Augustine, FL walking around and went to Potter's Wax Museum.
Thursday - spent whole day at the beach :) Left that night so Brooke would sleep and wouldn't get carsick. *Success*
*Pictures to come soon*
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
Oh let's just do a top 10 while we're at it ...
It's been a while since I've been faced with the not-so-favorable responses to my infertility from my friends and family members. I am now reminded of the insincerity and thoughtless comments that in the end, kind of sting a little, if I must say so myself.
I decided I would share a few, perhaps make a top 10 list - like my good ol' friend David Letterman, of the most common & idiotic things people should never say to women who are struggling while TTC -
10 -"Oh my husband looks at me & I instantly get pregnant." (Ouch - maybe Jr should try putting on his superpower goggles now????)
9 -"You're stressing too much. Quit thinking about it & relax; it will 'just happen' " (Yeah because having PCOS is just a mind over matter disease, eh?)
8-"(((Insert senseless advice))) Always worked for me." (I'm sure if I've read or heard of it, I've already tried it and well it isn't working for me!)
7-"Have you considered adoption yet?" (I'm all for adoption, don't get me wrong, but my pockets, well they aren't exactly that deep.)
6-"You don't know how lucky you are to only have ONE kid - more than that, is just a handful!" (And you don't know how lucky you are to have that more than one kid "problem")
5-"Maybe you're not "doing it" right." (I'm no expert, but just know that is not even half of an issue ;o) Sorry loving family who is reading this. LOL)
4-"You're young - you have plenty of time." (Time is just an evil word.)
3-"What's meant to be, is meant to be." (Ya think? Take something you want more than anything in the universe & can't make it happen - still giving the same worn out advice?! Didn't think so.)
2-"Shedding a few pounds would work wonders for you!" (And fixing the ugly on your face, would probably help your ugly attitude. )
And the number one *duh* response of all time - "Maybe this is God's way of slowing down the earth's population? Kind of deep - but you know what I'm saying?"
Uhm no I don't "know what you're saying" - I do know, however, you are short a few marbles.
/rant.
I decided I would share a few, perhaps make a top 10 list - like my good ol' friend David Letterman, of the most common & idiotic things people should never say to women who are struggling while TTC -
10 -"Oh my husband looks at me & I instantly get pregnant." (Ouch - maybe Jr should try putting on his superpower goggles now????)
9 -"You're stressing too much. Quit thinking about it & relax; it will 'just happen' " (Yeah because having PCOS is just a mind over matter disease, eh?)
8-"(((Insert senseless advice))) Always worked for me." (I'm sure if I've read or heard of it, I've already tried it and well it isn't working for me!)
7-"Have you considered adoption yet?" (I'm all for adoption, don't get me wrong, but my pockets, well they aren't exactly that deep.)
6-"You don't know how lucky you are to only have ONE kid - more than that, is just a handful!" (And you don't know how lucky you are to have that more than one kid "problem")
5-"Maybe you're not "doing it" right." (I'm no expert, but just know that is not even half of an issue ;o) Sorry loving family who is reading this. LOL)
4-"You're young - you have plenty of time." (Time is just an evil word.)
3-"What's meant to be, is meant to be." (Ya think? Take something you want more than anything in the universe & can't make it happen - still giving the same worn out advice?! Didn't think so.)
2-"Shedding a few pounds would work wonders for you!" (And fixing the ugly on your face, would probably help your ugly attitude. )
And the number one *duh* response of all time - "Maybe this is God's way of slowing down the earth's population? Kind of deep - but you know what I'm saying?"
Uhm no I don't "know what you're saying" - I do know, however, you are short a few marbles.
/rant.
Monday, August 10, 2009
Green Eggs ...
... but not the Dr. Seuss kind and minus the ham. Atleast those kind of eggs are whimsical.
I sat in the doctor's office for what seemed like hours - more like 20 minutes - waiting on him & my nurse to roll in the ultrasound machine. When they finally brought it in, I had to wait yet another thirty minutes. Got to love doctor offices. I reviewed the Female Reproduction chart 12 times, wondering what part of the process mine always seemed to have glitches - poked the probe that was attached the u/s monitor just to see what it felt like, read all of his degrees on the wall, and sang every Kings of Leon song I could think of.
In they walked - almost like a scene from Men in Black - except she was obviously a 'she' and not a he and wore pink, most appropriately.
Insert probe thingey - weird face, more weird faces, push, PAIN, DISCOMFORT, more peculiar looks, shake of the head, and then pointing.
"See, Chris, here is your left ovary and all of these, well these ARE eggs - but not good ones. And this is your right ovary," scrolling over to the other side, "and they are equally small eggs that are not any good. Hmmm. I'm disappointed."
YOU ARE DISAPPOINTED?! Really? Well imagine my disappointment. Instead of crying like I really wanted to, I slapped that $100 fake smile on my face and said, "Well that stinks." Got dressed and then met back up with the nurse.
They are now putting me on 150 mg of Clomid for my next cycle and IF that doesn't work, then I'll be on 200 mg in September. I only get 6 tries at this - strike 1 down - 5 more to go.
Leaving, I was a bit disenchanted - just ready to get home to Brooke - it was her 1st night at dance class. I get to the bottom of the parking garage, go to put my parking ticket in the machine to leave and it wouldn't take it. It's 5pm and everyone was ready to leave - cars backing up as far as I could see. I was super nervous and started tearing up. Someone started blowing their horn at me and all I could do was scream at the top of my lungs that my ticket wouldn't go in. The car raced around and I had no clue what to do. Then, the sweet woman behind me, told me to just hit the call button and someone would let me out. Thank GOD for her - IT WORKED! My nerves all worked up at this point, I wait at the end of the exit ramp, a broke down van blocks my view from oncoming traffic. I sit and wait a bit but remember the line of cars behind me ready to go - I pull out and sure enough, here comes a car at full speed. THANK GOD I didn't get creamed! I was going in the wrong direction - but atleast I was going.
My day was better than that despite popular belief as mentioned in the above stories lol - Brooke went to the dentist for the 1st time and (((DRUM ROLL PLEASE))) No cavaties!! She did really good, didn't cry and did everything the sweet hygentist told her to.
She also had her 1st dance class that night. We were the 1st group to arrive and stood in her classroom waiting on the other students to arrive. Brooke stood in front of the mirror and danced her little fanny off. Her teacher absolutely died laughing - she loved her enthusiasm. This was the 1st time I had to drop her off & leave her anywhere. It was only for 45 minutes, but still it tugged at my heartstrings. I knew it was for the best - she needs this :) When I went back in to pick her up, one of her teachers said that she was funny, absolutely hilarious! Jr, precautious, asked, "Was she misbehaving?!" I explained that it was our 1st time leaving her alone and he was just concerned. She said, "No way - she was the most outgoing one in the group!" This made me so happy & so proud of her.
I will post pictures soon of her dancing before class - I'm at work now and do not have them with me.
So - all in all - I'm learning to strengthen my patience - as well as my faith & hope. I knew realistically that we wouldn't conceive on my 1st round of Clomid - but secretly I hoped ;)
Until next time my friends - I leave you with this:
"I have heard there are troubles of more than one kind. Some come from ahead and some come from behind. But I've bought a big bat, I'm all ready you see. Now my troubles are going to have troubles with me. " ~ Dr. Seuss
I sat in the doctor's office for what seemed like hours - more like 20 minutes - waiting on him & my nurse to roll in the ultrasound machine. When they finally brought it in, I had to wait yet another thirty minutes. Got to love doctor offices. I reviewed the Female Reproduction chart 12 times, wondering what part of the process mine always seemed to have glitches - poked the probe that was attached the u/s monitor just to see what it felt like, read all of his degrees on the wall, and sang every Kings of Leon song I could think of.
In they walked - almost like a scene from Men in Black - except she was obviously a 'she' and not a he and wore pink, most appropriately.
Insert probe thingey - weird face, more weird faces, push, PAIN, DISCOMFORT, more peculiar looks, shake of the head, and then pointing.
"See, Chris, here is your left ovary and all of these, well these ARE eggs - but not good ones. And this is your right ovary," scrolling over to the other side, "and they are equally small eggs that are not any good. Hmmm. I'm disappointed."
YOU ARE DISAPPOINTED?! Really? Well imagine my disappointment. Instead of crying like I really wanted to, I slapped that $100 fake smile on my face and said, "Well that stinks." Got dressed and then met back up with the nurse.
They are now putting me on 150 mg of Clomid for my next cycle and IF that doesn't work, then I'll be on 200 mg in September. I only get 6 tries at this - strike 1 down - 5 more to go.
Leaving, I was a bit disenchanted - just ready to get home to Brooke - it was her 1st night at dance class. I get to the bottom of the parking garage, go to put my parking ticket in the machine to leave and it wouldn't take it. It's 5pm and everyone was ready to leave - cars backing up as far as I could see. I was super nervous and started tearing up. Someone started blowing their horn at me and all I could do was scream at the top of my lungs that my ticket wouldn't go in. The car raced around and I had no clue what to do. Then, the sweet woman behind me, told me to just hit the call button and someone would let me out. Thank GOD for her - IT WORKED! My nerves all worked up at this point, I wait at the end of the exit ramp, a broke down van blocks my view from oncoming traffic. I sit and wait a bit but remember the line of cars behind me ready to go - I pull out and sure enough, here comes a car at full speed. THANK GOD I didn't get creamed! I was going in the wrong direction - but atleast I was going.
My day was better than that despite popular belief as mentioned in the above stories lol - Brooke went to the dentist for the 1st time and (((DRUM ROLL PLEASE))) No cavaties!! She did really good, didn't cry and did everything the sweet hygentist told her to.
She also had her 1st dance class that night. We were the 1st group to arrive and stood in her classroom waiting on the other students to arrive. Brooke stood in front of the mirror and danced her little fanny off. Her teacher absolutely died laughing - she loved her enthusiasm. This was the 1st time I had to drop her off & leave her anywhere. It was only for 45 minutes, but still it tugged at my heartstrings. I knew it was for the best - she needs this :) When I went back in to pick her up, one of her teachers said that she was funny, absolutely hilarious! Jr, precautious, asked, "Was she misbehaving?!" I explained that it was our 1st time leaving her alone and he was just concerned. She said, "No way - she was the most outgoing one in the group!" This made me so happy & so proud of her.
I will post pictures soon of her dancing before class - I'm at work now and do not have them with me.
So - all in all - I'm learning to strengthen my patience - as well as my faith & hope. I knew realistically that we wouldn't conceive on my 1st round of Clomid - but secretly I hoped ;)
Until next time my friends - I leave you with this:
"I have heard there are troubles of more than one kind. Some come from ahead and some come from behind. But I've bought a big bat, I'm all ready you see. Now my troubles are going to have troubles with me. " ~ Dr. Seuss
Monday, July 27, 2009
Plato Knows his Stuff ...
"The beginning is the most important part of the work." ~ Plato
Finally! We are starting to make some headway. I feel ridiculously silly to be so excited about starting my cycle but it's step one of one hundred for us. Today is cd 02 - for those of you who aren't as obsessed with trying to conceive (TTC) or know the lingo - cd stands for cycle day. I have not had a "good" monthly cycle in YEARS - well actually since before I got pregnant with Brooke. With the help of the Prometrium - I started on Sunday & beginning tomorrow I start taking Clomid (fertility med) for 5 days. Last time I was on it - bless Jr's heart - I seriously went through major mood swings and had horrible hot flashes - not looking forward to those side effects but anxious because I know it is helping me do exactly what I can't do on my own - OVULATE.
I joined an amazing Mommy webboard - http://www.themommyplaybook.com/ and have "met" other women who TTC as well - there is even a special section for women who are TTC with PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome). I have been battling with it for as long as I can remember - 13? 14 years old? The support is phenomenal!
My mid cycle ultrasound is scheduled for next Thursday - August 6th @ 3:30pm. There, my dr will be able to tell me if I have any "good eggs". Fingers crossed.
Also, next Thursday Brookie will be going to her 1st dentist appointment :) What a milestone! My little girl is growing up so quickly! Today was her last gymnastics class for the "quarter". She did very well flipping & doing cartwheels and aced the balance beams. At the end of her class they let them jump on a HUGE inflatable castle with slide. She had the same one at her birthday party this year - so when she saw it her eyes lit up. She will be starting gymnastics class as a BIG GIRL August 11th @ 5:30PM and be in the three year old group where Mommy can no longer participate. I'm anxious to see how she will do - I know she is going to be fine - but it's hard to imagine her having to do things by herself. Atleast now I will get a "break" and be able to be a spectator and enjoy watching her.
We also signed her up for Ballet/Tap lessons beginning August 6th (busy day for us... heehee) @ 6PM. I am sooooo excited :) She has been wanting to do dance lessons for about a year now but we had to wait until she turned three. Kristie's School of Dance is one of the few place that will start kids out at age three rather than four. I'm very grateful for that. If I understood correctly, she will have her 1st recital in December!
I told Jr I felt like a soccer mom - Gymnastics on Tuesday's, Dance on Thursday's.
Saturday after we registered her for her new classes, we took her back to Juliette, GA & ate at The Whistlestop Cafe. We had sooo much fun - just spending time together.
Here are a few pictures from our weekend:
Here are a few pictures from our weekend:
At Whistlestop Cafe {Juliette, GA}
Monday, July 13, 2009
The Beginning of our TTC #2 Journey
Wow! Who would have thought that I would be sitting here creating a family blog and announcing that Jr & I have decided to try for baby number two?!?! I honestly had accepted about a year ago that our precious Brooke was going to be our one and only. After my female health scare(s) and simply because Jr only wanted one kid. Now we get to (hopefully) bless her with a sibling. She has been coming home from church every Sunday telling us that she wants a baby brother or sister - leaning more towards sister, haha.
Jr & I are both very excited and anxious. He came to me about two weeks ago and told me, completely out of the blue, that he had been thinking a lot about it and he really wanted another child. I was completely shocked - excited - a little apprehensive. The most surprising part of the news is that he said that he wanted to start soon. Of course - this was an answer to a very silent prayer.
So, I scheduled an appointment with my specialist after a few days of tossing the idea around - went last Thursday and got the 'go ahead'. Everything looks good - I'm healthy. He went ahead and started me on Prometrium & Clomid. I will probably be going back in about a week or so for a midcycle ultrasound (all so familiar) to check my eggs.
I'm very optimistic this time. I am not going to stress nearly as much as I did while we were trying for Brooke. I'm going to put my faith in God, because I trust what He has planned for us and our future.
Speaking of our Brookie - she turned three today! Where does the time go?! Seems like just yesterday I was holding my precious baby in my arms for the 1st time. She is so smart, funny, and loved by sooo many people. We are truly blessed to have her in our lives. She never ceases to amaze me.
Well, ladies and gents - this is the beginning of our newest journey or chapter in our lives together - hopefully a very successful one. I'm going to try my hardest to blog as much as I can about it and keep you all updated.
Jr & I are both very excited and anxious. He came to me about two weeks ago and told me, completely out of the blue, that he had been thinking a lot about it and he really wanted another child. I was completely shocked - excited - a little apprehensive. The most surprising part of the news is that he said that he wanted to start soon. Of course - this was an answer to a very silent prayer.
So, I scheduled an appointment with my specialist after a few days of tossing the idea around - went last Thursday and got the 'go ahead'. Everything looks good - I'm healthy. He went ahead and started me on Prometrium & Clomid. I will probably be going back in about a week or so for a midcycle ultrasound (all so familiar) to check my eggs.
I'm very optimistic this time. I am not going to stress nearly as much as I did while we were trying for Brooke. I'm going to put my faith in God, because I trust what He has planned for us and our future.
Speaking of our Brookie - she turned three today! Where does the time go?! Seems like just yesterday I was holding my precious baby in my arms for the 1st time. She is so smart, funny, and loved by sooo many people. We are truly blessed to have her in our lives. She never ceases to amaze me.
Well, ladies and gents - this is the beginning of our newest journey or chapter in our lives together - hopefully a very successful one. I'm going to try my hardest to blog as much as I can about it and keep you all updated.
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