My Little Reindeer

"Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb a reward." Psalms 127:3


Today was Brooke's first dance recital. I have been looking forward to this for a few months --- each day getting closer, the more anxious I was to see my baby girl on stage dancing & tapping.

We shared this day with my wonderful mother in law, Angel, my Grandparents, my nephew and our great friends, Brooke's godparents - Ronnie & Kelly. We arrived about 45 minutes early and I'm glad we did. The auditorium had already started filling up. We had 8 people in our group and finding a row that wasn't already full, was a mission. We did it though, thank goodness! This year the theme was "Twas the Night Before Christmas" with a spin on it - little verses about Mrs. Kristie's dance program. They had two narrators and about 8 different routines. She offers tap/ballet, competition, jazz, and tumbling classes - each being represented today.

Brooke's part was the fourth routine. They pranced out on stage - all blonde bouncy hair and one sweet red head. The girls wore reindeer antlers with jingle bells on them - noses all painted red. They wore their black leotards with white tights and their red dance tees and tap shoes. My heart melted as I watched her dancing, singing, and smiling on that stage. I've never felt so proud in my entire life. It was incredible. My eyes welled up with tears and I felt more peace than I ever have. She is my miracle child - my heart, my world.

I am reminded that I am beyond blessed- the Lord has given me a purpose in this life and that purpose is to raise my daughter to be like Him. I want her to learn compassion & appreciation, truth & honesty, a heart that gives, hands that serve, and a spirit that praises Him and all His wonders. If I do that, then I will feel more than accomplished :)

Here are some pictures from her recital. Enjoy!

And Just When I Thought ...

"God will not permit any troubles to come upon us; unless He has a specific plan by which great blessings can come out of the difficulty." ~ Peter Marshall

Just when I thought that there was no hope - God stepped in and proved differently. The last week was one of the most emotional weeks I've gone through in a very long time. I made myself believe that there were obviously bigger reasons & plans for us. I was preparing myself to come to peace with the inferility issues. I sought faith but I would be lying if I said that I truly gave in and put 100% faith and hope into my outcome. I worried, nonstop. I didn't sleep - eating was even difficult. I know now that I can't sit on the fence; if I'm going to do something I need to do it wholeheartedly and 100%.

So Thursday afternoon rolls around FINALLY and I make it to my appointment. I have been talking to God nonstop throughout this process - especially while in my car when I'm by myself. On the way to the appointment I told Him that I didn't expect anything miraculous and I would try to understand. I, then, asked for that one good size follicle one last time and went in.

Drum roll please .....

One of the eggs on my left ovary grew to almost 20!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The other didn't grow but only by 1 mm to a 15. But we had one good one and that's all I needed. Dr Evans said the chances of the other egg growing by the time I ovulated was pretty good - so who knows how many I will release? Hmmmm. (Secretly smiles) We both smiled and hugged. I was soooo happy. Tears of happiness welled up in my eyes and I thanked God.

A nurse came in to give me the HCG trigger shot that would help make the eggs release without problem in 24-36 hours. She told me about her story. She had to do fertility treatments as well with her first 2 children but the last two children were surprises.

I text Jr and played a trick on him. I told him that the egg was only 15mm. I then immediately text that the other one was almost 20mm.

So the longest two week wait of all time has officially started :) Let's pray that we did everything we needed to and hopefully as we get closer to Christmas, we'll have good news.

God is amazing - He works wonders when things seem hopeless. He holds our hands when times get tough and His promises are mighty. I am so grateful that my relationship with Him has strengthen during this journey.

Hours Away

"If I look confused ... it's because I'm thinking." ~ Sam Goldwyn

I am hours away from my 2nd dr's appointment of the week. Jr and I briefly discussed our options last night if these eggs have not grown significantly. He absolutely does not want me on Follistim. I don't want to do surgery. So where does that leave us? Both confused, frustrated, and worried.

My other options are to start fresh in January, eating right again, walking and losing the weight. Praying that my cycle starts on its own and that I ovulate on my own as well. If that doesn't work, then our final decision will be to adopt in a couple of years.

What to do. What to do.

I Will Praise You in This Storm

I Will Praise you in This Storm by Casting Crowns

I was sure by now God, that you would have reached down
And wiped our tears away,
Stepped in & saved the day.
But once again, I say Amen
and it's still raining
as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whipser through the rain,
"I'm with you"
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away.



And I'll praise you in this storm
and I will lift my hands
for You are who You are
no matter where I am
and every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
and though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm.



I remember when I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry to You
and raised me up again
My streangth is almost gone, how can I carry on
if I can't find You
and as the thunder rolls
I bearly hear You whisper
"I'm with you"
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away.



I lift my eyes unto the hills
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord , the maker of heaven and earth
I lift my eyes unto the hills
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth.

Hope for the Hopeless

"When the world says 'Give up', hope whispers 'Try it one more time'. "~ Unknown

Dearest Lord,

I know that You know what is best for us. I know that You have plans for me that I could never even dream of; I put my faith in that. I keep telling myself that if You don't see it fit for us to have another child, that I will understand. But honestly, I don't think I can accept it easily. The one thing I want in my life is to be a good mother, to give my precious Brooke siblings, and to share all of this overflowing love that fills my heart and soul.

I am beyond grateful and tremendously blessed to be given the opportunity to be Brooke's Mommy. Lord, she is my world - my miracle baby. I cannot picture my life without her in it. THANK YOU most loving Heavenly Father.

Please heal my broken heart - I know that by enduring trials, we gain more appreciation for the little things we take for granted. It allows our hope and faith to grow and flourish. It makes us stronger and more humble people. This lesson will not go unlearned. This I promise.

In Jesus' name -

Amen.

We went back to the doctor yesterday to have my midcycle ultrasound. This time I was beyond hopeful - I almost knew that I was going to get good news this time. I smiled and told him that I had taken an OPK (ovulation predictor kit/test) and that it was positive that morning - the 1st one I've had seen we've been ttc. He smiled and told me that was probably a good sign. The only time I doubted my quick judgement was the moment that he put the monitor in and made the all too familiar disappointed faces. Back and forth - right to left. Again, my eggs are polycystic. The maximum dose of Clomid did nothing. The added Estradiol was just taken in vain. The only two large eggs he found were on my left ovary and they were only measuring 12.4 mm. They have to be 18-24 to be viable. He gave me three options -

Come back Thursday to see if for some reason they grew any (which he doubted)

Have the surgery but it's not a guarantee.

or

Go to a specialist and be put on medication that is more aggressive with life threatening side effects.

Right now, I'm going to the appointment Thursday. I may be wasting $20.00 for a co-pay but atleast it gives me 2 more days to figure out what I'm going to do in the meantime if I don't have any good news. I am going to remain hopeful and put my faith in the Lord. It's a big pill to swallow - but I won't be resentful.

Being in a room with over 20 very pregnant women was torture. Especially since I knew two of them. It's bittersweet - you're happy for them beyond a doubt but you also hurt more than they can realize unless they've been through it themselves. This journey - this infertility journey - is the most lonely, heart aching experience . No one understands - no one truly cares (I've learned) unless they have gone through it personally. They may give you the "Oh that's too bad. I'm sorry" 's , but that's the extent of it. Don't get me wrong, I do not want pity. Ask Jr --- I am completely against pity donations. I just want a sympathetic shoulder to lean on and cry with when needed.

In closing - I want to share a few quotes about hope that inspire me:

"Once you choose hope, anything is possible." ~ Christopher Reeves

"You've got to have hope. Without hope life is meaningless. Without hope life is meaning less and less." ~ Unknown

"Hope is faith holding out its hand in the dark." ~ George Iles

"When you get to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on!" ~Unknown

"When you feel like giving up, remember why you held on for so long in the first place." ~ Unknown

"Dont' be discouraged. It's often the last key in the bunch that opens the lock." ~ Unknown

It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year!

"Christmas waves a magic wand over this world, and behold, everything is softer and more beautiful." ~ Norman Vincent Peale

We have had a great kick off to the Christmas season! This morning we woke up and took Brooke to see her very 1st movie ever in a theater (A Christmas Carol in 3D). She absolutely loved it! She was very good and thought she was a big shot because she got to sit in the theater seat all by herself and had her very own bag of M & M's. Afterwards we headed out to Sandy Creek Christmas Tree Farm and looked at all the trees that they had, picked out our special one, rode around the farm and looked at the decorations. We went home and JR put the tree up inside while I went grocery shopping for our pre-holiday dinner. It's sort of our tradition to make a 'mock' Thanksgiving meal before decorating the tree. I made potato salad, deviled eggs, honey ham (spiral), greenbean casserole, butter beans, cranberry sauce, rolls and finished with a banana chocolate cream cake. Very good. We turned on the Christmas music and we all decorated the tree. Jr bought a video camera a few days ago as an early Christmas present for himself so we were able to record the experience. We then headed outside and built a fire in the firepit, and hung out outside and looked at the stars.
I have a feeling that this is going to be one of the best Christmas' yet.

Here are a few pics from our adventure today. Enjoy!

Thanksgiving - An Attitude of Gratitude

"To speak gratitude is courteous and pleasant, to enact gratitude is generous and noble, but to live gratitude is to touch Heaven." Johannes A. Gaetaer

Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday and not only because of the great food that we enjoy each year :) I truly yearn for everything yielding towards being grateful for what we all are blessed with; and to dedicate one day of the year to such a wonderful phenomenon, is amazing to me. Not to mention it is the kick off for the Christmas season.

For the last month, I have been going out of my way to grasp completely what I like to call an attitude of gratitude. Normally when I find that I am complaining more often than usual or in a slump of depression for whatever reason - I think about all the many blessings that I have and then think about what I can do in my enriched life that could contribute to people who would probably die to have the things that I have and live the life that I live. This year I decided to have our company's 2nd annual food drive for the less fortunate - we are doing pretty good so far - watching the boxes fill up, basically fills up my own heart. I also called Macon's March of Dimes representive and I am meeting with her this upcoming Tuesday to see how I can help volunteer within their organization. Doing acts of service ALWAYS is my remedy to getting out of my own little funk. It keeps me grounded and reminds me of the treasures God has bestowed in my life that I normally take for granted.

This Thanksgiving, we went to my grandparents house. I can truly say it was one of my favorites. To see my precious grandparents and the genuine love on their faces, my mother (she is looking GREAT), and my siblings, their families and my cousins. I sat back and just relished in the memories being made before my eyes - the kids playing soccer in the backyard and swinging on Papa's tire swing, listening to the radio play while staring at the colored leaves falling from the trees, a good conversation with my mother, bellies full from Patti's yummy dressing, my Aunt Kaye's laughter filling the room, the guys watching their football in the living room, the desserts spread across my Patti's kitchen making the best decor ever, and the chill in the air.

I am truly a very fortunate girl - I have an amazing family - a husband who loves me despite my flaws, a daughter who I never thought would possibly be in my life, supportive friends who have been there for me through my most recent trial (ttc journey), a warm home, clothes, loving pets - you name it.

Here are some pictures from our day - Enjoy :)