New Changes

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Get With It, Coleman!

"For everything there is a season,
A time for every activity under heaven.
A time to be born and a time to die.
A time to plant and a time to harvest.
A time to kill and a time to heal.
A time to tear down and a time to build up.
A time to cry and a time to laugh.
A time to grieve and a time to dance.
A time to scatter stones and a time to gather stones.
A time to embrace and a time to turn away.
A time to search and a time to quit searching.
A time to keep and a time to throw away.
A time to tear and a time to mend.
A time to be quiet and a time to speak.
A time to love and a time to hate.
A time for war and a time for peace."
Ecclesiates 3:1-8

One of my all time favorite scriptures. It is a great life reminder!

Speaking of life reminders ... it's been a while!!! I REALLY need to sit my butt down, atleast once a week and blog. It's good therapy. It's also a good passdown for Brooke one day, when she gets older.

Life is good over in these parts. I still work for the transportation company for Academy. It's been about a year and 1/2 now. I still enjoy it. There have been a few bumps, but like any job nothing that I couldn't overcome. It's definitely a fast paced business and I work more now than I ever did. I'm just holding out for that big break when I'll be able to slow down a little and enjoy life.

Brooke turned 5 last Wednesday!!! My little baby is now definitely my little girl. She loves all things Spongebob, dress up, Barbies, playing house, playing with her best friend Chesney, and has more energy than anyone I've ever seen. Did I ever have that much energy?!?! She is sleeping by herself now. I know that sounds like it should be old news, but nope - it was the one thing we both had a hard time breaking. She sleeps in her big girl bunk bed and has done fine with it since day one. I'm starting to believe it was more me than her. LOL She could have probably slept by herself ages ago. She's a good cuddler, what can I say?! :)

She did fantastic in Pre-K and loved it. She never missed a day and always was ready to get up and go. She was the quiet but very sweet and lovable kid in her class according to her teachers.

She had her Hollywood Recital in June and performed a Little Mermaid song, Hannah Montana's 'Icecream Freeze', and the Dirty Dancing 'I had the time of my life' song. We are signing her up for Jazz on Monday nights and she'll still be doing Ballet/Tumbling/Tap on Thursdays. Keeping her busy, but she enjoys it alot.

We went to Crescent Beach, FL (south of St Augustine) last week for her birthday. We had a great time. It was a much needed vacation!!! We stayed on the beach most of the time, ate great seafood, and relaxed. Hated leaving, but glad to be home.

Still no + BFP yet, but it is, what is. God knows what He is doing. I can't question Him, I have to put my trust in Him.

The leaves are starting to fall :)

It's amazing how quickly this year is passing by!

Tomorrow starts the beginning of Autumn and it seems like yesterday we were counting down to a new year. Brooke is enjoying Pre-K and actually can't wait to get up and go to school :) I started a little tradition before she eats breakfast - I put Willy the Elephant (one of her favorite stuffed animal) in different spots with a note from Mommy for her to find. One morning she woke up to a whole tea party of stuffed animal friends in the nook for her to eat breakfast with. She absolutely loved it.

Here are a few updated pictures of the princess:







I had surgery yesterday - I've been having a lot of pain in my lower abdomen and other female problems. I was certain they were going to end up having to do a hystercotomy but they didn't. Other than the thick lining, my uterus looked healthy. They did a D & C and also drilled on my ovaries. This is suppose to help me ovulate on my own and get my cycles back to being regular. This has re-opened the doors to TTC. Of course, after I heal. Jr is apprehensive, but I've reminded him that they last time he decided that he didn't know what he wanted us to do, he changed his mind and we lost that 'golden opportunity' when I was actually fertile. So the motto right now, is whatever happens, happens :) And that makes this Mommy very happy.

Birthday, Updates and More!

It's amazing what we allow ourselves to block out of our lives. The many massquerades we find ourselves hiding behind in order to remain in denial. After my last post, I honestly put TTC in the back of my mind. Of course, when an acquaintance found out they were expecting, the issue kind of floated around, but not for long. I buried those resentments towards TTC - I think I buried them deep enough, where I won't allow them to control my life anymore.
Well, I'm at that one year mark of beginning this blog and I figured I would catch the world up with my life.
Tomorrow my princess will be FOUR years old. Four. Where have these years gone to? We celebrated her birthday Saturday and had a wonderful time. We went back to Sportz Quest for the party location and of course they did a good job. We had Amanda Meadows with Amanda's Cakery make Brooke's Hello Kity cake. She exceeded my expectations and the cake was magnificant!!! We didn't have a huge turnout but the ones who came made it more memorable if the party size was double that. She was happy and that's all that truly matters.

I started a new job in March. So far, I am liking it a lot better than my last job. Of course transportation logistics is a stressful industry - but not being on call anymore as well as not dealing with office politics has been well worth the change of scenary.

My father in law was diagnosed with invasive lung cancer June 22nd. Jr is an only child and his parents live with us - so this has been extremely trying on all of us. He is home from the hospital now and seems in good spirits. He starts chemo next week. He was able to make it to Brooke's party and that truly meant the world to all of us, especially him. Please remember him in your prayers.

Brooke starts Pre-K August 9th. I'm a nervous wreck!!!! I know she is going to do a wonderful job and I know she is going to enjoy it, but it's one more reminder that she isn't a baby anymore :(

Brooke also had a recital last month at The Grand Opera House in Macon. Her ballet/tap class performed 3 different scenes from Cats - yes the Broadway Musical. I was beyond proud of watching my little girl dancing and singing on stage in front of hundreds. She acted like it was her second home. We are signing her up for next term this month.

She is also taking swim lessons and is already swimming underwater like a little fish! We are really enjoying the swimming pool this year.

That sums up the Coleman Family right now. Hope you are each doing good and maybe I'll show up a little more often to give life updates :)

Crossroads

"From grace comes truth, from truth comes a system of belief, from belief comes the freedom to decide." ~ Unknown

I am at a crossroads - I feel lost, empty, and have no idea what I am doing. I keep looking for some kind of certainity, answers - anything to help me get through each day. I smile, I laugh, I joke and act carefree - but every quiet moment to myself, I become real. More real than anyone has ever seen. I become sad, hopeless, unsure of myself, resentful, tired, curious as to why I am stuck in this miserable body. I cry until my eyes hurt and my chest aches.

Everywhere I look, someone is announcing their expecting pregnancy. I am truly happy for them, but OH how it anguishes my heart. I hate to say that I'm giving up, but I can't continue getting my hopes up, just to watch them shatter each month. I don't even know what day past ovulation I am. Don't get me wrong, it is on my mind constantly but it is becoming very overwhelming. I feel like I'm having one huge constant pity party for myself. I HATE when I get like that. I know I have many blessings to be grateful for ( I DONT NEED TO HEAR THAT), but when I can't accomplish something that most women have no issues at all creating, it gets to me; climbs into my inner soul and eats at it, tramples on the little bit of light I have left inside of me. I thought maybe I could do it this month on my own - I wasn't worrying as much, I have been eating good, taking my vitamins, water water water - and I am pretty positive that it just didn't happen.

I don't know what You have planned for me God - I really don't but I wish You would shed a little light so I would quit doing this to myself. I trust You & I love You no matter what decision You have made for me - all I ask is that You help me through it. I can't do this by myself........

"In my anguish I cried to Lord, and He answered by setting me free. The Lord is with me, I will not be afraid. What can man do to me?" Psalms 118:5-6

(This was my scripture for today. Can we say WOW?! I found it after I wrote this.)

Hotdog Sandwiches

"Life is full of beauty. Notice it. Notice the bumble bee, the small child, and the smiling faces. Smell the rain and feel the wind. Live your life to the fullest potential and fight for your dreams." ~Ashley Smith


I promise to insert the picture I took over the weekend of the hotdog sandwich that Brooke requested for lunch Saturday as soon as I get home this evening. It kind of sparked the desire to open an unusual sandwich shop in downtown Macon. Jr says I'm crazy - but who knows, right? It would have all kinds of weird sandwiches on the menu - lasagna sandwich, spaghetti, hotdog, macaroni, etc. Everyone has to have a dream - mine just happens to be two slices of bread and something different outside of the norm, in between it.

Our weekend was great - I truly miss being home with Brooke right now. Unfortunately that doesn't pay the bills. So here I sit in this small office, bored to my wits end, writing this blog. I really have lots at home that needs to be done - laundry, cleaning our bedrooms, organizing the cabinets, taking a nap even ;o)

We took Brooke to see Alvin & The Chipmunks The Squeakal Saturday. She absolutely loved it - I'm amazed by how well she behaves in public. Sbe sat there the whole time, still and quiet. She gorged on popcorn & Raisinets. We let her play in the arcade afterwards - that to her was more fun than the actual movie. We went to my grandparents house on New Years Day and Brooke had fun playing with her cousins, picking camillas with my Papa, helping Patti in the kitchen & playing dolls with her Aunt April. We watched movies & baked a fudge cake at home. Nothing beats spending time with your family - it means the most to me. I'm going to take in all of these moments - the ones I will miss when she is grown & beginning her own life.

So, I've been kind of discreet about the whole babymaking thing this cycle --- I'm cd16. I guess I feel like if I talk about it, maybe I'll jinx it??? I don't know. Now clue if or when I will ovulate. I have taken 3 opk's and all have been negative - however, each day the line seems to get darker. We're trying this round without the help of doctors. No ultrasound checks = no disappointment. The disappointment, however turns into constant curiousity. I keep telling myself that if it doesn't happen, I'm going to live. Life does go on - even when we don't get what we want more than anything. We are all designed with a special purpose in mind by our Creator. He knows exactly what we are capable of and even when we think He doesn't hear our prayers - He does. He will answer them - even if it's not the one we wanted.

We have gone ahead and started the pre-application process for adoption through Covenant Care Adoption Services. I didn't realize how much it cost to adopt!!!!! You would figure that if you had a loving family & was willing to take in a child in your home & life, to care for & love forever, that the only cost you would have to pay are the legal ones. However, there are all kinds of fees that you have to pay: application fee, home assessment fee, pre-placement fee, placement fee, hourly fee for contract work, a home assessment update fee, supervisory fees, court report and contract home assessment fees. It all totals around $20,000!!!!! I'm going to ask a friend of mine what she had to do when adopting her daughter. I don't think she had to pay even 1/4 of that.

Now - onto other news. We are looking at some land in Gray - 10 acres, beautiful lot next to an even more gorgeous creek. It's reasonably priced and Jr & I want it so bad we can taste it. We both talk about all the stuff we want to do with it - building a family home to call our own for years to come. We have spoke with the realtor and just waiting for him to overcome an illness so he can give us a formal viewing of it. Jr's ready to spend his weekend clearing & cleaning out land. I'm looking forward to designing my own home :)

Enough of 'me time' - let me finish up my work here and prepare for my real job (aka Mommy) when I get home.

Holiday Schomorgesborg

"Years end is neither an end nor a beginning, but a going on , with all the wisdom that experience can instill in us." ~ Hal Borland

Wow! I can't believe that Christmas has come & gone! It barely feels like it stopped through long enough for a short visit and then was out before I could open my eyes. We certainly had a wonderful one despite my poor Jr being sick Christmas day. Brooke was spoiled beyond reasoning but I'm grateful that she does understand the true meaning behind this wonderful holiday event - she woke up that morning saying "Happy Birthday Jesus." She threw on her purple dress up heels and clunked her way through the hallway with Mommy & Daddy in tow - when she got to the living room, her jaw dropped and she stood in disbelief at what she saw lying beneath the tree. The scene was priceless and I will always remember the look of utter shock and excitement on my baby girl's face in that moment of innocence. Brooke & I spent the day with my grandparents, mom, sister & her family and Bubba and his family as well. Jr, poor guy, spent it at home resting. I really felt like a piece of me was missing - corney I know but I couldn't really enjoy myself completely over there without him. It was kind of noticable and my mother commented on the miserable look on my face. I'm happy to say he is feeling much better now and I managed not to get it! Must be the prenatal vitamins and other herbal supplements I'm on :)



Here are some pics from our Christmas day & a Christmas party at my grandparents house:

Along with Christmas flying by so fast - another year has managed to come & go even more quickly. I have a handful of things that I am anticipating in 2010. I decided to make a list - one of my favorite things to do by the way :)

- Strengthening my relationship with God

- Brooke starting Pre-K. Bittersweet.

- Celebrating being with Jr for 10 years

- Hopefully (fingers crossed) Baby Coleman #2

- New friendships blossoming

- Starting my book - it's been four months since Jr bought me my laptop. Need to put it to use.

- March of Dimes walk in April

- Dear John movie in February

- Reading new books

- Florida!

- Brooke's formal dance recital in June

- All the little unknown joys that will surprise me when I least expect it.

I am undecided whether or not I will make any resolutions this year. I always manage to disappoint myself within a couple of months anyways. A New Years resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other. Haha If I did - I'm NOT adding weightloss on it AGAIN for the 100th time. It would be more like building my relationship with Jr, blogging more, praying more, finding my creative niche, worry less, love more, and teach Brooke lessons that will enlighten her life.

With that being said - I'm off to read The Last Song and cuddle in bed with Brooke. G'night all!

HOLY JELLY!!!

Ok - I'll go ahead and be the 1st one to admit that I'm weird :) My husband would probably say beyond it, but whose counting ;)

I wish I would have waited until today - I could of saved probably $100 in HPT's but because I'm a POAS addict like you wouldn't believe, I had no choice ;) Quick refresher - in yesterday's blog I wrote how I didn't know what I was going to do because I'm not like most women, I don't have natural cycles that come monthly on my own and the dr didn't want to continue treatment, blah blah blah. Ok - onto my excitement - I woke up this morning, was about to test again and BAM! AF came on its own this morning!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! There is hope! I am in shock. I never start on my own - maybe once a year and never around the time I'm on Clomid. Wow. Hence the weird part - I asked Jr how many ladies he knew that would be happy & excited that their periods started and he said, "Not many, Christen." Poor guy - he definitely is on a roller coaster when it comes to dealing with my emotions.

So I wanted to update you very sweet & supportive ladies. I'm hopefully NOT out of the running quite yet. We do have this month to try again! Thank you LORD!!! And thank you all for your prayers, they truly mean alot to me.

"Keep your dreams alive. Understand to achieve anything requires faith and belief in yourself, vision, hard work, determination, and dedication. Remember all things are possible for those who believe." ~Gail Devers

And the results are in ...

Today I am 14 dpo (days past ovulation) and took my 'official' pregnancy test.

Devasted & heartbroken? Yes - more than I thought I would be. My next plans? Not sure yet - I'm not like most women - I can't just hope it happens next month. I'm a 3 strikes out, kind of deal. No more tries with Clomid - no money for surgery and no time or money to invest in more aggressive medicines. I guess after the holidays, I'm going to start hardcore dieting and try to get my cycle back naturally.

I'm leaving this one in God's hands. I'm not going to question Him or resent His decision - I'm going to continue to praise Him for the blessings I already have in my life and try my hardest to move forward and be strong.

There is one good thing that came out of this round and it was developing a remarkable friendship with an amazing girl who was in the same boat as me. I didn't have to go through the two week wait alone ---- we had each other. I thank God for her friendship and for bringing her in my life when I needed someone during this lonely journey. Congrats on your BFP sweetie!

"Trust in the Lord with all thine heart and lean not to thine own understanding. In all thy ways, acknowledge Him and He shall direct thy paths." Proverbs 3:5 (my favorite verse)

Here Comes the Bride ...

"Love at first sight is easy to understand; it's when two people have been looking at each other for a lifetime that it becomes a miracle."








Ok, so technically eight years is not a lifetime but it is pretty close ;o) Today Jr & I celebrated our eighth wedding anniversary. Of course we both had to work and of course the weather is horrible so I decided to make him his favorite resteraunt dish for supper - Stuffed Chicken Marsala. It was a success! I wish I would of taken pictures of it, I was so proud! When I thought about it, he was shoveling the last few bites into his mouth. Heehee.



I am one blessed wife! Despite our downs, we've had many many more ups and that is what truly matters. How unordinary & unchallenging would it be though to live each day the same as the last? Without struggles we can't appreciate the good things in life.



Jr comes from a family where his mother & father (whom I really adore) have been married for over 30 years - no divorce. I come from a family where, uhmmmm it is actually quite the opposite. My mother has been married & divorced four times and my father - too many times to honestly count ... HONESTLY. Divorce terrifies me. I think that's why during our first year of marriage, I was stubborn beyound a doubt - it didn't matter how many times we fussed or argued or what problems came our way - I was determined not to be another statistic. I was already putting myself out there for that possibility because I was only 18 (he was 21) when we were married.



I wouldn't have it any other way, though. Jr is truly my soulmate. He loves me and always wants the best for me. There were several friends who didn't understand it and tried to make me believe that he was controlling. That wasn't so - he just didn't want to see me where those people were during the bad times of their lives. He knew my worth and he knew I could succeed. He's always encouraged me and he has ALWAYS been there for me throughout any struggle I've come across. He's listen to me cry, wiped away my tears, held my hand when I was scared, shared my laughter - he's who God chose for me. I firmly believe that.



Being that we were both young - I was newly graduated from school, working part time in a grocery store and he was fairly new at his job - we didn't have a whole lot of money (the song 'We aint' gotta alot of money' comes to mind). We got married in the courthouse, nothing fancy. Of course I would go back and do it all over again and would of least had a small wedding, but like my mother in law says, "A beautiful wedding doesn't always make for a beautiful marriage." We did have a nice reception at his mother's church. It's the memories of our innocence, how simple yet wonderful life was eight years ago - we were more happy knowing we would spend the rest of lives & eternity together than having a traditional, costly wedding.

So I'm going to share a couple of things - first the recipe for the Stuffed Chicken Marsala and then 2nd a few pictures from our wedding in 2001. Enjoy!

Stuffed Chicken Marsala

Stuffing:

1 Cup of Provlone Cheese (I cut the slices into strips)
1/2 cup of original breadcrumbs
1/2 cup of Parmesean Cheese
2/3 cup of sour cream
2/3 cup of Sun Dried Tomato Alfredo Sauce (Bertolli)
Pinch of salt & pepper

Mix all ingredients together in mixing bowl.

Chicken:

2 lbs of boneless skinless chicken breast (butterflyed - almost cut in half)
Pinch of salt & pepper
Garlic Powder
Oregeno
2 Cups of Flour
1/2 cup Cooking Oil (I use Canola)
3 pieces of Provolone Cheese
Sliced Tomatoes w/olive oil, salt, pepper, rosemary on top

Preheat oven to 350 degrees.
Cut/Butterfly chicken in half, spoon in your stuffing mix and close chicken shut.
Heat oil in frying pan - add salt, pepper, garlic
Drench chicken in flour/salt/pepper mixture.
Place chicken in frying pan - pan sear until golden brown on both sides.
Put chicken in baking dish, top with a slice of Provolone Cheese and tomato on each piece of chicken.
Bake for 30 minutes.

Sauce:

1 can of beef broth
1/2 can of beefy mushroom soup
1/2 cup of heavy whipping cream
2 Tbs of Canola Oil
2 cups of mushrooms sliced (I used baby portebellos)
Pinch of Salt & Pepper & garlic powder

Sauteé mushrooms in oil, soup, and broth until soft. Add cream and bring to boil. Turn heat down to medium and let simmer for approx. 3 minutes. Pour on top of chicken after it is done baking.

Bon Apetité!!!

And here are the pictures :)

Magical Moments

"The universe is full of magical things, patiently waiting for our wits to grow sharper."


We took Brooke to The Grand Opera House to her first viewing of The Nutcracker this afternoon. Talk about a magical moment! She was in complete awe at all of the dancers, the beautiful auditorium, the music, and the people around her. She did so well too! She sat in my lap the whole time - otherwise she would have never been able to see the performance, being so little and all. A time or two I had to put her hands down because she started mimicking the sugar plum faeries and snowflake princesses. Her enthusiasm was endearing.

Brooke thought on the way there that we were taking her to another recital of sorts. She told us several times that she was going to 'dance with the dancers'. It took until the very last minute when the lights died down and the music to begin, for her to realize that she would be watching instead of participating. Her eyes widened, the smile across her face was infectious as I watched my little girl enjoying her first live theater experience.

Who knows? Maybe one day we will be driving there to watch her 'dance with the dancers' as well. Until then ... I'm off to spend the rest of the weekend with my amazing family. Enjoy a few pictures from our afternoon :)

My Little Reindeer

"Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb a reward." Psalms 127:3


Today was Brooke's first dance recital. I have been looking forward to this for a few months --- each day getting closer, the more anxious I was to see my baby girl on stage dancing & tapping.

We shared this day with my wonderful mother in law, Angel, my Grandparents, my nephew and our great friends, Brooke's godparents - Ronnie & Kelly. We arrived about 45 minutes early and I'm glad we did. The auditorium had already started filling up. We had 8 people in our group and finding a row that wasn't already full, was a mission. We did it though, thank goodness! This year the theme was "Twas the Night Before Christmas" with a spin on it - little verses about Mrs. Kristie's dance program. They had two narrators and about 8 different routines. She offers tap/ballet, competition, jazz, and tumbling classes - each being represented today.

Brooke's part was the fourth routine. They pranced out on stage - all blonde bouncy hair and one sweet red head. The girls wore reindeer antlers with jingle bells on them - noses all painted red. They wore their black leotards with white tights and their red dance tees and tap shoes. My heart melted as I watched her dancing, singing, and smiling on that stage. I've never felt so proud in my entire life. It was incredible. My eyes welled up with tears and I felt more peace than I ever have. She is my miracle child - my heart, my world.

I am reminded that I am beyond blessed- the Lord has given me a purpose in this life and that purpose is to raise my daughter to be like Him. I want her to learn compassion & appreciation, truth & honesty, a heart that gives, hands that serve, and a spirit that praises Him and all His wonders. If I do that, then I will feel more than accomplished :)

Here are some pictures from her recital. Enjoy!

And Just When I Thought ...

"God will not permit any troubles to come upon us; unless He has a specific plan by which great blessings can come out of the difficulty." ~ Peter Marshall

Just when I thought that there was no hope - God stepped in and proved differently. The last week was one of the most emotional weeks I've gone through in a very long time. I made myself believe that there were obviously bigger reasons & plans for us. I was preparing myself to come to peace with the inferility issues. I sought faith but I would be lying if I said that I truly gave in and put 100% faith and hope into my outcome. I worried, nonstop. I didn't sleep - eating was even difficult. I know now that I can't sit on the fence; if I'm going to do something I need to do it wholeheartedly and 100%.

So Thursday afternoon rolls around FINALLY and I make it to my appointment. I have been talking to God nonstop throughout this process - especially while in my car when I'm by myself. On the way to the appointment I told Him that I didn't expect anything miraculous and I would try to understand. I, then, asked for that one good size follicle one last time and went in.

Drum roll please .....

One of the eggs on my left ovary grew to almost 20!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The other didn't grow but only by 1 mm to a 15. But we had one good one and that's all I needed. Dr Evans said the chances of the other egg growing by the time I ovulated was pretty good - so who knows how many I will release? Hmmmm. (Secretly smiles) We both smiled and hugged. I was soooo happy. Tears of happiness welled up in my eyes and I thanked God.

A nurse came in to give me the HCG trigger shot that would help make the eggs release without problem in 24-36 hours. She told me about her story. She had to do fertility treatments as well with her first 2 children but the last two children were surprises.

I text Jr and played a trick on him. I told him that the egg was only 15mm. I then immediately text that the other one was almost 20mm.

So the longest two week wait of all time has officially started :) Let's pray that we did everything we needed to and hopefully as we get closer to Christmas, we'll have good news.

God is amazing - He works wonders when things seem hopeless. He holds our hands when times get tough and His promises are mighty. I am so grateful that my relationship with Him has strengthen during this journey.

Hours Away

"If I look confused ... it's because I'm thinking." ~ Sam Goldwyn

I am hours away from my 2nd dr's appointment of the week. Jr and I briefly discussed our options last night if these eggs have not grown significantly. He absolutely does not want me on Follistim. I don't want to do surgery. So where does that leave us? Both confused, frustrated, and worried.

My other options are to start fresh in January, eating right again, walking and losing the weight. Praying that my cycle starts on its own and that I ovulate on my own as well. If that doesn't work, then our final decision will be to adopt in a couple of years.

What to do. What to do.

I Will Praise You in This Storm

I Will Praise you in This Storm by Casting Crowns

I was sure by now God, that you would have reached down
And wiped our tears away,
Stepped in & saved the day.
But once again, I say Amen
and it's still raining
as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whipser through the rain,
"I'm with you"
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away.



And I'll praise you in this storm
and I will lift my hands
for You are who You are
no matter where I am
and every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
and though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm.



I remember when I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry to You
and raised me up again
My streangth is almost gone, how can I carry on
if I can't find You
and as the thunder rolls
I bearly hear You whisper
"I'm with you"
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away.



I lift my eyes unto the hills
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord , the maker of heaven and earth
I lift my eyes unto the hills
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth.

Hope for the Hopeless

"When the world says 'Give up', hope whispers 'Try it one more time'. "~ Unknown

Dearest Lord,

I know that You know what is best for us. I know that You have plans for me that I could never even dream of; I put my faith in that. I keep telling myself that if You don't see it fit for us to have another child, that I will understand. But honestly, I don't think I can accept it easily. The one thing I want in my life is to be a good mother, to give my precious Brooke siblings, and to share all of this overflowing love that fills my heart and soul.

I am beyond grateful and tremendously blessed to be given the opportunity to be Brooke's Mommy. Lord, she is my world - my miracle baby. I cannot picture my life without her in it. THANK YOU most loving Heavenly Father.

Please heal my broken heart - I know that by enduring trials, we gain more appreciation for the little things we take for granted. It allows our hope and faith to grow and flourish. It makes us stronger and more humble people. This lesson will not go unlearned. This I promise.

In Jesus' name -

Amen.

We went back to the doctor yesterday to have my midcycle ultrasound. This time I was beyond hopeful - I almost knew that I was going to get good news this time. I smiled and told him that I had taken an OPK (ovulation predictor kit/test) and that it was positive that morning - the 1st one I've had seen we've been ttc. He smiled and told me that was probably a good sign. The only time I doubted my quick judgement was the moment that he put the monitor in and made the all too familiar disappointed faces. Back and forth - right to left. Again, my eggs are polycystic. The maximum dose of Clomid did nothing. The added Estradiol was just taken in vain. The only two large eggs he found were on my left ovary and they were only measuring 12.4 mm. They have to be 18-24 to be viable. He gave me three options -

Come back Thursday to see if for some reason they grew any (which he doubted)

Have the surgery but it's not a guarantee.

or

Go to a specialist and be put on medication that is more aggressive with life threatening side effects.

Right now, I'm going to the appointment Thursday. I may be wasting $20.00 for a co-pay but atleast it gives me 2 more days to figure out what I'm going to do in the meantime if I don't have any good news. I am going to remain hopeful and put my faith in the Lord. It's a big pill to swallow - but I won't be resentful.

Being in a room with over 20 very pregnant women was torture. Especially since I knew two of them. It's bittersweet - you're happy for them beyond a doubt but you also hurt more than they can realize unless they've been through it themselves. This journey - this infertility journey - is the most lonely, heart aching experience . No one understands - no one truly cares (I've learned) unless they have gone through it personally. They may give you the "Oh that's too bad. I'm sorry" 's , but that's the extent of it. Don't get me wrong, I do not want pity. Ask Jr --- I am completely against pity donations. I just want a sympathetic shoulder to lean on and cry with when needed.

In closing - I want to share a few quotes about hope that inspire me:

"Once you choose hope, anything is possible." ~ Christopher Reeves

"You've got to have hope. Without hope life is meaningless. Without hope life is meaning less and less." ~ Unknown

"Hope is faith holding out its hand in the dark." ~ George Iles

"When you get to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on!" ~Unknown

"When you feel like giving up, remember why you held on for so long in the first place." ~ Unknown

"Dont' be discouraged. It's often the last key in the bunch that opens the lock." ~ Unknown

It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year!

"Christmas waves a magic wand over this world, and behold, everything is softer and more beautiful." ~ Norman Vincent Peale

We have had a great kick off to the Christmas season! This morning we woke up and took Brooke to see her very 1st movie ever in a theater (A Christmas Carol in 3D). She absolutely loved it! She was very good and thought she was a big shot because she got to sit in the theater seat all by herself and had her very own bag of M & M's. Afterwards we headed out to Sandy Creek Christmas Tree Farm and looked at all the trees that they had, picked out our special one, rode around the farm and looked at the decorations. We went home and JR put the tree up inside while I went grocery shopping for our pre-holiday dinner. It's sort of our tradition to make a 'mock' Thanksgiving meal before decorating the tree. I made potato salad, deviled eggs, honey ham (spiral), greenbean casserole, butter beans, cranberry sauce, rolls and finished with a banana chocolate cream cake. Very good. We turned on the Christmas music and we all decorated the tree. Jr bought a video camera a few days ago as an early Christmas present for himself so we were able to record the experience. We then headed outside and built a fire in the firepit, and hung out outside and looked at the stars.
I have a feeling that this is going to be one of the best Christmas' yet.

Here are a few pics from our adventure today. Enjoy!